


Do you love me?

by 1jet2unknown



Series: Forever Secret Series [2]
Category: Super Junior
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Break Up, Elevator Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, First Time, Friendship, Insecurity, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Secret Relationship, Smut, Stardom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-03
Updated: 2013-11-03
Packaged: 2017-12-31 08:52:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1029739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1jet2unknown/pseuds/1jet2unknown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to "Forever Secret"</p><p>Kangin and Eeteuk finally are a couple - but of course they can't let their secret slip. ... and then there is this habit of Kangin to pay special attention to Eeteuks chest and the fact that he never askes to go all the way making Teukies thoughts run wild...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It had been almost three month already since Kangin had confessed to me. And everything had turned back to normal – only the fact that Kangin and I stayed over at each other’s  quite frequently and that we exchanged sweet kisses as soon as we were alone was new.  
I enjoyed having him around me so much… but there was one thing that bothered me. A lot.  
  
“Can’t we watch another movie? … Please?” I chuckled at Donghaes shaking voice. He had snuggled up to Eunhyukkie and Sungminnie who sat on the couch and had their widened eyes fixed on the TV screen as if they’d die if they just look away for the blink of an eye.  
  
Kibum lifted his arm and hit Haes leg to shut him up, then sank down again on Yesungs lap. I almost had forgotten about how funny it was to watch a horror movie with the whole SuJu-bunch… . Only Heechuls nagging about how  un-fashionable the actors were was slightly disturbing the mood and luckily Hankungs attempt to pull our nagging Cinderella in a close hug, his calm smile on his lips, to shut him up succeeded. Siwon nodded at Heechuls sudden silence as if to thank Hannie, but the play with his cross-pendant around his neck became more intense and I thought I could see his long fingers tremble as he followed the action on the TV.  
  
Shindong just returned from the kitchen another bowl of popcorn in his arms and sat down next to Ryeowook and Kyuhun who tried to both fit under one of the pretty small blankets we had lying around the living room most of the time.  
  
Kangin and myself sat at the back of the living room in the corner next to the couch, the two of us wrapped in a blanket. I leaned back in Kangins broad arms closing my eyes for a moment and holding my breath to be able to make out his next to my right ear.  
“Scared yet?”, he asked in a low whispering voice which sent shivers down my spine. I shook my head as an answer and smiled. “You know I’m not the type of person to get scared that easily…”  
  
Kangin, Hankyung, me and Sungminnie were the ones who almost never shrieked while watching horror movies. We had no problem to walk through a pitch dark forest at night or anything. But the others almost stopped breathing while the movie continued developing.  
  
“Everyone is so into the movie…” I felt small butterfly kisses on my neck and a smile formed on my lips as I snuggled deeper into my lovers hug. “You think that gives you permission to do this in front of the others?”, I asked him in a whisper. It wasn’t like I didn’t enjoy the feel of his soft lips on my skin – quite the opposite – but I still was too scared to let the others know about the two of us. I still was scared as hell about being hated by my beloved dongsaengs and band members… .  
  
“Oh come on…”, I could feel Kangins grin in my hair as he stroke down on my legs. “… no one’s looking...”  
He always liked to touch me, to feel me up, to kiss me. Even when we had just jerked off each other he would still want more. Never having enough.  
Normally I wouldn’t mind but if it meant risking to being found out I just felt like I couldn’t let him have his way.  
  
“Kangin… please… “, I looked at him with pleading eyes. “… you never know if someone’s turning around…”  
A pout showed on his face but his hand kept moving to the inner side of my legs, stroking me in a teasing fashion, making me almost falling into his trap.  
“…. Just enjoy?”, he grinned again.  
  
My eyes wandered to the other members sitting in front of us and next of us, inspecting whether any of them was watching us or not. But all of them had their eyes fixed on the TV screen. No one seemed to care what was going on with us… .  
  
I felt Kangins fingers wandering upwards my tights and slowly stroking my crotch. I had to bite down on my lips to not let a slight moan slip. “Kangin…”, I hissed and put my hands on his lower arms just looking in his dark eyes, trying to make him understand my fear of being found out without any words said. He returned my look but kept his fingers moving over the soft fabric of my pajama causing me to tense under the rising feel of pleasure.  
  
After a few seconds he gave me a small kiss and put on his most innocent face. “I can’t help it when I’m like this, right?”, he whispered and pressed against my back, making me feel the bulge in his pants slightly rubbing against me.  
He was just too horny… . Maybe even turned on more by the fact that someone might suddenly notice the two of us doing stuff in public. He always liked to tease me, liked to embarrass me… . But I didn’t mind.  
Maybe I even loved this hungry and exciting part of him. Never getting enough. Not minding anyone else.  
Cause.. It meant he really loved me, right? He wanted me?  
  
I could feel my own erection grow as he kept on stroking me. When his fingers slipped into my pajamas stroking the bare skin on my waist I almost couldn’t hold back.  
If we’d have been alone I would have slung my arms around his neck kissing him hard and pressing against his warm, big hands, making him caress me even more. I’d rub against him, biting his neck and just let the two of us fall into hot sweating action… .  
  
But just as I was almost forgetting the others sitting right next to us and let myself be swept away by Kangins teeth nibbling on my ear the sudden screams of the boys being totally sucked into the happenings on the screen brought me back to reality.  
  
I didn’t really know what happened on the screen – most likely some dead woman crawling over a floor or something – but it must have been damn frightening since Donghae had fallen off the couch letting out a sharp scream and Ryeowook and Kyuhun had pulled their blanket over their heads. Heechuls face had turned white and he had grabbed Hankyungs hand hard. Siwon had his eyes closed and squeezed his cross pendant so hard that his knuckles turned white.  
Yesung and Kibum just stared at the screen, eyes wide open and lips pressed together as to make sure that no scream would slip their mouths.  
I smiled a bit when I saw Eunhyukkies wide opened eyes still fixing the screen while he pressed against Sungmin, finding at least a tiny little bit of peace in his gentle arms.  
  
“See they’re fully into the movie… no one noticing…”, I heard Kangins voice right next to my ear and  
felt his fingers caressing my skin again, wandering over my waist down straight to touch my bare member. I swallowed the moan that built up in my throat when he pressed his thumb on my tip and tried to stay as calm as possible. “Kangin… !”, I pleaded once more as inaudible as possible and arched my back as he didn’t stop his teasing but instead started stroking his soft fingers along my hot length.  
  
It wasn’t that I didn’t like it. I loved it. For sure. But… I couldn’t stop my mind imagining all the shocked faces of my dongsaengs if they’d turn around just this instance. They’d see us. And they’d be too shocked, too appalled by what they’d see… . They’d never look at me the same, maybe even start hating me. And Kangin, too, would face serious problems… because of me. Because I confessed and made him have this relationship with me. There’d be no more Super Junior… they’d throw us out. They’d hate us. They’d never accept the two of us being this way together. They’d look at us. Like _that_. And I would never be able to take in those faces… all those angry eyes full of disgust staring down on me… .  
  
I didn’t notice the tears in my eyes before Kangin gently kissed one of them away, his face showing so much guilt and sadness that I almost couldn’t bear the sight. “Sorry, hyung…”, he whispered leaning his head against mine. “… guess I took it too far again, hm…” His voice had this low tone that brought a somewhat guilty smile on my face as I shook my head. It wasn’t his fault, he should know… .  
I turned my head and looked  at him straight, giving him a small kiss on his wet lips before whispering an inaudible “I love you, Youngwoon..”.  
And he smiled again. His wonderful, bright, teeth-showing smile I loved so much.  
  
Suddenly I could feel the body behind me moving and Kangins arms slipped around me pulling me up. I was happy the blanket still covered my waist – since I still had a hard on caused by Kangins fondling – when the heads of the other members turned around, looking at us for a moment as to ask “What the hell are you doing disturbing our movie?”.  
  
Kangin nodded at them slipping a hurried “Teukies too scared. We’ll go to bed.” Then turned be around and pushed me through the door of the living room, leaving the others slightly confused behind.  
I couldn’t help but smile when I heard Heechuls loud voice behind me: “See, Hannie, even leader-shi is scared… so stop calling me a baby just cause I screamed. All of us did!!” Then it turned silent again, only the sounds of the movie filling the dark mansion.  
  
As we reached my room Kangin pushed me onto the bed hard, making me bounce a few times on the soft mattress. He closed the door with a fast movement of his left foot and looked at me with eyes so lustful that they made my body heat up.  
Within seconds his body was on top of mine pressing me deep in the silky fabric, his lips hungrily on mine. I gasped into his mouth when he started rubbing his crotch against mine, making me almost going mad. His unsteady breath on my lips, his big hands exploring my torso, his fingers playing with my nipples… I felt like getting drunk on him.  
  
When I felt his muscles tense and his member twitch I could tell he was reaching his limit. Just watching his eye-lashes flicker over his sweaty, rosy cheeks, his lips open to groan my name, I felt like cumming myself. I loved him. I couldn’t think of anything but the fact just how much I grew to love him when I arched my back, moaning his name and splurting all over my belly.  
  
  
He huffed, his naked body covered with sparkling drops of sweat when he looked down on me. I reached up to free Kangins forehead from his bangs and felt a big, content smile on my face as I lifted my head to kiss him once more before finally giving in to the exhaustion.  
My beloved one returned the kiss, his fingers gently stroking the back of my left ear and I wished that this moment would never end… .  
  
When I woke up I found myself alone in my bed, a small note stuck to the end of my bed. I smiled at Kangins handwritten words pressing my lips gently against the rough paper before putting it away to all the other notes I had started to collect in my bedstand.  
  
I got up to take a shower and get ready for my schedule. When I had locked the bathroom door behind me I eyed my reflection in the mirror. Kangin must have cleaned myself while I had been asleep since all the dirty, sticky remains of our bed action that had stuck to my skin were gone.  
I smiled at his gentle care for me but felt my mood darken when I noticed all the kiss marks on my chest.  
  
Whenever we felt each other up he always took special care of my chest. Maybe he didn’t even notice… but I felt hurt the thought of being compared to a woman crossing my mind. Of course he touched my manhood, too, but the marks on my body clearly showed where the main attention seemed to be given to.  
  
My fingers ran over the blushed spots still visible all around my nipples and along my collarbone.  
  
Since we were idol stars we weren’t allowed to have a girlfriend… and since our schedules were pretty busy we barely hung out with other people. Only us and the other SM members most of the time. So even if he wanted to Kangin couldn’t really find a girl he could do stuff like that with… .  
  
What if that was the reason for him being with me? What if he just confused his feelings with love? He wasn’t the one to confess first… he even ignored me for a few days after I told him about my feelings. And he only told me he found out about his love after he did h stuff with me while being drunk… .  
I felt my heart turn cold.  
What if all there was for him was releasing his needs? What if there was no real love from his side? What if I really was nothing more than a stand-in for a cute girl he just wasn’t able to meet because of the given circumstances?  
  
Tears stung my eyes and I forced myself to not stare at the love marks on my chest. On my manly chest.  
I was no girl. I was a guy. I didn’t need him to take so much care of my chest area… did I? I enjoyed him playing with my nipples, sucking on them, placing kisses all over my torso. But there always was this bitter feeling to it whenever I found myself thinking about it too much.  
  
I felt so insecure… I wanted to ask him. Ask him what he really felt about me. Asked me why he never seemed to want to go all the way with me. Why he kept on caressing my chest. Why he rarely told me he loved me. Why he kept teasing me but often just left me unfinished. I didn’t know what to think. I loved him so much, yet I couldn’t tell if my feelings were mutual. And still I kept on letting him feel me up and drown in pleasure. I kept on touching him all over, taking in the smell of his body while making him rock against my hips.  
I wanted to ask him. But I felt stupid. And if I just read way too much in it I’d hurt him. And that was the last thing I wanted to do… .  
So I kept silent, holding in all the insecurity and all the doubts.  
  
  
And the storm yet to come kept rising without me being fully aware of it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kangin is oblivious to Eeteuks worries and insecurity. His flirty behaviour with woman and some spoken words make Eeteuk turn to more drastic measures...

“You really go for the girls with big boobs, don’t you?”  
  
Kangin laughed. “Well… you got something to look at when they’re big, don’t you? And it’s a nice touch..”  
  
I felt my heart sting.  
  
I had just entered the kitchen and overheard his conversation with Eunhyukkie while the two of them were watching TV. I knew that Kangin wasn’t disinterested in women. He loved them. An he was a flirt with most of the female guests in the shows we participated in. But after all he did all that stuff with me. He touched me. He kissed me. He loved me, didn’t he? Even if I wasn’t a woman he loved me and enjoyed being with me.  
I should have been satisfied.   
But it hurt so much hearing him talk about his big boob-fetish… .  
  
I was a man after all…. I had no boobs. Was I a pain to touch? Did he feel weird touching me?  
  
“You’re really a freak…”, the smaller rapper laughed and put down his glass.  
Sungmins eyes cached my sight and he froze. When he spilled my name everyone turned around, looking at me. I knew why Minnie was looking at me with such hurt eyes, since he was the only one who knew about my relationship with Kangin, but even the others looked at me expectantly.  
  
I didn’t utter a word but went straight to the refrigerator and got myself a can of beer – which was quite unusual for me – and opened it.  
“So… which is your favourite actress?”, Hyukkie asked my clueless lover.  
  
I couldn’t bear with the talk anymore and left the kitchen sitting down on the couch in the living room and switching on the TV. Again girls with more or less big boobs filled the screen and made me feel like I wanted to throw up.  
  
Did Kangin really feel this way about girl? And maybe girls only?  
I had felt so unsecure the last weeks… feeling compared to a girl, feeling like a substitute for one of those big booby girls... .  
  
I turned my head as I felt someone’s weight next to mine on the couch. It was Sungmin, his eyes staring at me in a way that made me feel even more miserable.  
  
“I hit Hyukkie…”, he stated without another explanation and made me greet him with a sad smile.  
“That’s just the way it is… isn’t it?”, I asked him already feeling like I had to hold back my tears.  
  
For a while my dongsaeng stayed quiet, then he pulled me in a hug.  
“Don’t take it to heart, Teukie-hyung… he doesn’t think when he speaks…”  
Sungmins words comforted me a lot but still I felt this cold part in my chest that only Kangin could fill with warmth. But he didn’t even show up. He didn’t even know about how miserable I felt… . He just didn’t understand… .  
  
Was he really in love with me?’  
  
I wondered… .  
  
  
It was about two days later when I snapped. When I felt like I had to do something to end those endless thoughts running in circles in my head.  
  
  
I felt stupid standing in front of his shared apartment hesitating about whether to ring his bell or not. What if someone else opened the door? I’d make a complete fool out of myself… .  
But while I stood there swallowing my thoughts and trying to force myself to finally take the step and make him noticing me the door in front of me opened and I could see Kangin standing in front of me.  
  
“Wouh…”, his face showed a huge amount of surprise. “… erm… can… can I help you?”  
I gulped and looked him straight in the face putting the big sunglasses in position again. I wanted to answer. Really. I just couldn’t bring the words out staring at his gorgeous figure.  
  
“… you want to see someone here?”, he asked again leaning on the door frame. I could tell he was about to go to the convenient store as he wore his chilling-clothing but his newly bought sneakers.  
“I… I’m here to see you, Youngwoon.”, I answered in a low voice unsure about how he would react.  
  
“Me?”, he lifted his eyebrows and looked at me slightly confused. I nodded and for a second he silently stared at me, his intense almost making me choke in my unstoppable heartbeat.   
Then he suddenly brought his eyebrowns down, his eyes widened and his face came closer. “Wha- …!?! Is it you? Ee-... Jungsu?!”  
His jaw fell as I nodded again blushing all over my face till the red color reached my ears.  
  
After a few seconds he finally overcame the huge shock he just experienced and grabbed my wrist, pulling me inside abruptly. I almost fell over by the force he used but found myself save in his arms. His eyes still unbelievingly wandered up and down my body.  
“You… walked here?”, he asked with a slightly shaking voice.   
I nodded.  
“…dressed like this?”  
I nodded again.  
  
Kangin shook his head a weird smile on his face I couldn’t really read. “…..Are you stupid?!”  
  
I felt my eyes tearing up and lowered my head watching my feet. I couldn’t believe it myself. I already was embarrassed enough… so why did he have to stay that?  
I felt uncomfortable while his eyes wandered over me again trying to take in my outfit.  
  
He was right… . I must have looked utterly stupid wearing  the pretty tight jeans skirt and the girly sandals.   
And the yellow tank-top  covering the stuffed bra I was wearing didn’t really sharpen up my clothing.  
  
“Why the hell…?”, Kangins laughing voice startled me out of my embarrassment, looking up into his crescent shaped eyes.  
  
“But…”, I started already having to swallow my tears. “But you… you said you like girls with boobs…” my voice stuttered.  
I felt his arms move around my body as he laughed again. “Teukie… don’t tell me you walked through the city cross dressing just because of this?”  
  
I _really_ felt stupid. “But…”, my lower lip started trembling and my vision turned blurry under the first tears that filled my eyes. “… but…”  
I couldn’t speak anymore. I felt humiliated. I had humiliated myself just to make him look at me. To please him. And there he was laughing about me. He didn’t seem to understand how many troubled nights I had spent mulling over his words. I was a guy after all. And so was he. And I knew he wasn’t gay to begin with… . What else could I have done?  
  
Kangin must have felt my trembling as he turned silent looking at me with his lower lip pushed forward. “Oi… Jungsu…” His eyes focused on me while his warm fingers took the big sunglasses from my face. “Don’t cry, Jungsu… I didn’t mean to hurt you… really…” I snuffled and tried to avoid direct eye contact.  
“Come one.. don’t be mad. Ne? Ne?” I felt his hands cupping my face and turning it in direction of his face forcing me to meet his eyes. “I just can’t believe you really did that… I mean… I’m kinda happy you did this for me… I just can’t understand.”  
He slowly leaned forward and gave me a small kiss on my red painted lips.  
  
We stood there in the hallway just looking at each other for some time then I lowered my head again smiling sadly. “You know…”, I began with a hoarse voice. “… I’m a guy. I… I have no boobs. Neither to touch nor to look at… .“ My eyes began to sting again and I took a deep breath before continuing. “I’m a guy, Kangin! And you’re a guy, too. You like woman, right? But… But I’ll never be as soft as a woman. I have to shave every morning. I don’t have boobs to meet your taste. I have body hair like every other guy.  I… I have a dick down there… !”  
  
Kangin stopped my blabbering mouth with his soft lips pressed on mine. His eyes still focused me while his hands put down the long haired wig I had worn all along, threw it on the floor and started to gently stroke my neck. When he pulled away from me he smiled one of his wonderful smiles where only the corners of his mouth curled up.  
“You’re thinking too much. I _know_ all that. I don’t want you to feel inferior to some woman. I mean… they’re nice, yes, of course. But…” He leaned in again and looked me deep in my wet eyes.  “… But they’re not you. Got that? I chose to be with you. So start getting cocky about being chosen by such a gorgeous guy, will you?!”  
  
I couldn’t help but smile at his attitude. He knew how to cheer me up. And suddenly I didn’t feel all that stupid anymore. Just a little bit stupid. A tiny little bit.  
But Kangin even took away the fear I had left when he lifted me up in his arms – “Cinderella-style… of course.”, he joked – and carried me to his room where he put me down on his bed and locked the door behind us.  
  
In fact nothing had changed. He still paid special attention to my chest. He still wasn’t revealing of wanting to go all the way with me.  
But I felt like his words and actions that day gave me a little bit more strength and confidence in our love. Even if he hadn’t clearly said he loved me that night. He said he chose me.  
  
And I told myself that this was enough to make me happy.  
  
  
But as the weeks passed again and we both were too busy with our schedules to see each other at least one tiny moment a day I started feeling insecure again.  
I spent hours watching Kangins appearances on different TV shows. Watched him being all flirty with the women. Maybe he didn’t even notice it himself… but he flirted a lot. And those were beautiful women. Idols. Stars. With silky hair, slim shoulders, long legs, soft skin and sometimes even big boobs… .  
And I couldn’t help but cry over what I saw.  
  
Sungminnie spent some of those nights in my room hugging me until I finally fell asleep exhausted from all the tears I had shed. He once again turned into my secret power supporting me from the shadows.  
  
  
  
  
“I missed you. A lot.”, Kangin whispered into my ear, his breath stroking over my skin in a ticklish manner.  
“I missed you, too, Youngwoon…”, I replied slinging my arms around his neck to pull him even closer than he already was.  
  
After so many days I was finally able to feel his warm body press on mine again, hear his wonderful voice, breathe in the sweet smell of his body. Not just a small hug in the hallway or a shy kiss on the lips somewhere in the backstage area… . No. Real closeness.  
  
I took of his shirt and let my eyes wander over his cute, a little bit chubby belly. He wasn’t as trained as Siwon or Yesungie… and he wasn’t skinny as myself. But I just loved his belly. I loved letting my fingers wander over his warm bear skin, being able to make out his heartbeat.  
  
He started placing kisses on my cheeks, then on my ear and down my throat. I felt his warm fingers stroking my bare skin making me arch my back in pleasure as I could feel my erection grow.  
Everything was just perfect and I wished I could let myself fall in all the pleasure, drowning, taking my lover along.  
  
But I felt my heart sting when instead of caressing all of my body – and especially my crotch which needed the greatest attention right now – Kangin again was occupied with my chest area alone.  
I buried my fingers in his brown, silky hair and closed my eyes. I didn’t want him to notice me crying. I really didn’t.  
  
But I could feel his head turning and his caressing fingers stop. Then I could feel his body move again as his hot lips planted small kisses on my eyelids.  
“… what’s wrong, Teukie?”  
He sounded worried.  
  
“Ne, Youngwoon..” My chin trembled and I didn’t dare open my eyes and look at him. “…do you really love me?”  
My voice was weaker than I wanted it to sound.  
  
“What are you talking about, hyung?” His thumb gently stroke over my cheekbone and I could tell his eyes were searching my face for a hint how I ended up crying.  
  
“Are you sure you love me?”, I repeated again trembling.  
  
“Why are you asking me that? Why do you…?”  
“Because you never tell me!”, I blurted out, tears now running down my cheeks soaking my hair. It hurt. It hurt so much. And maybe it hurt the most that he wasn’t even the slightest bit aware of what was going on with me. Of how much I loved him to be able to feel such great pain even by small gestures and words.   
“You never tell me…” My whole body shook as I tried to hold back all the feelings that tried to break free. I had to hold them down. I had told myself that him choosing me was enough. That I didn’t need his words. That I didn’t need him wanting me more than just to touch and release. It should have been enough… .  
“How can I be sure about it when you never tell me… and… and… “ I sobbed. “… and whenever we do stuff you make me feel like I’m being compared to a girl! I don’t have fucking boobs. I’m a guy!” My voice was shaken by the continuing sobs that forced their way out of my throat.   
“I tried to not think too much about it after your words that day I dressed up… but… but…”  
My voice finally broke down, taken over by choked whimpers.  
  
“I’m sorry, hyung… really…” Kangin said in a hoarse voice and slung his strong arms around me hugging me tight. I could feel his muscles tense. Even without looking him in the face I just knew what his expression was: His teeth clenched together, the lips merely thin red strokes under his nose. His eyebrows surely knit and his eyes showing a slightly hurt but scary glow.   
“I didn’t want to… I….”  
“But you only touch my chest when we’re on it!”, I bit my lower lip and buried my head in his shoulder. “You know how insecure I feel when it comes to this… don’t you?”  
I didn’t want to throw all those words at him since I knew I’d hurt him. But they just slipped from my lips.   
They had been locked inside for too long and now finally broke free from their prison aiming for my lover, wanting to make him feel hurt as well, making him feel miserable, making him show me that they weren’t right… .  
  
“It’s just a habit…” His hand placed on the back of my head he let out a deep sigh. His voice was cracked and I already regretted not having been stronger, not having been able to hold my mouth shut like I had planned.  
“I’ve only been with girls up till now. It’s the only way I know to pleasure the one in my arms… . I didn’t mean to make you feel compared. Really. I didn’t mean to…”  
  
I had hurt him. Tears started falling down from my eyelashes again by the thought of how it had been _me_ hurting the one person most precious to me. I hated myself. I knew that he wasn’t the strong, painless giant some people made him look like. I knew he was gentle and sensitive. And still I had said all those words. And I knew that even when not brought up again small words like those scarred you, lingered in the air, unspoken, all the time. I didn’t want him to hurt like that. I didn’t want those unspoken feelings of hurt destroy all we had until now.  
Why was I so stupid? Why did I not shut up when I just had to?  
  
I curled up in Kangins embrace, shyly embosoming him.  
  
We didn’t speak for the rest of the night. We didn’t continue what we had started earlier.  
Both of us tried to find comfort in the presence of the other, in his body warmth, the sound of his breath and the meek sound of heartbeat.  
Every word we could have said might have made the situation worse.  
So we stayed silent. Hoping for the morning dawning and taking away the feelings of hurt, letting us feel jaunty again.  
  
And when the first golden sunrays found their way through the window our weak and sleepy eyes met, a small smile showing on both of our faces as we shared the most innocent kiss and finally fell asleep in each others arms.  
Our problems weren’t solved. And both of us might feel even more insecure now.  
But by listening to your lovers low breath for such a time you calm down and find strength to believe again.  
I wanted to trust in his feelings more.   
He didn’t say he loved me.   
But I felt like I had  heard it while listening to his heart beat.  
So I was willing to wait some more. To wait until he was ready to speak those words out loud.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teukie tries to finally get his first time with Kangin... but it's not as easy as he though it'd be...

“What are your doing, Jungsu?”, Kangin said with a chuckle in his voice as his eyes rested on my finger that still lay on the metallic button as the elevator came to a sudden halt.   
  
I felt a smirk showing on my face as I felt him approaching me from behind and turned around looking him straight in the eyes. “Getting us some private time…”, I whispered and held out my hands in his direction.   
He looked at me without a change of facial expression for a second. Then his lips curled up in a big grin and his eyes showed the certain glow I had longed for.   
  
Weeks had passed since the night we silently stayed awake in each other’s arms. And just as I had expected he hadn’t changed at all. We still shared short but utterly sweet moments when we were with the others, we stayed over at each other’s room now and then – not too often of course, since it would make the others suspicious – and lost ourselves in pleasure, but we never went all the way. Neither had he said he loved me again since his first confession.   
  
At first I had wanted to wait for him to make the first step. I had wanted to wait until he felt like it. But days turned into weeks and I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I said to myself that I had to do something. That something had to change.   
I wouldn’t dress up as a girl anymore… that was for sure. But if he felt something for me I should be able to _make_ him tell me.   
  
And so I had started several attempts to turn him on badly enough to make him want to eat me whole and tell me over and over again how much he loved me until he’d reach his climax, not just by jerking off with me, but by doing the real thing.   
  
It had taken quite some time until I was sure that I myself was ready to go all the way… . I mean: I’m a guy. And so is he. But when two guys went all the way one of them had to be the bottom. And… even though I consider myself much of a man I couldn’t possibly imagine myself topping Kangin. Not that accepting the fact that I should be the one receiving was any less absurd… . I was a guy after all. A guy!   
  
But I wanted to feel him more than just rubbing against me from the outside. I wanted to let him feel my love even more than he already did. I wanted him to drown in my arms loosing himself in the highest level of pleasure – given through my own body and flesh. I wanted to be more than skinny fingers that could make him climax. I wanted to share something with him that he wouldn’t possibly do with others. I wanted to be someone more than special to him… . I wanted to be 특.   
  
The first time I had pulled him in a dark corner backstage after our gig and kissed him so hard that I almost couldn’t breathe myself. I had seen his eyes widen in surprise, then felt the corner of his lips pulling up in a small smile. I had felt his big hands stroking my back and pulling me close. Our bodies rubbed at each other and I had just reached behind my back to catch his wrists and guiding his hands down my back to my butt when I heard Yesungs voice approaching us. I pulled back abruptly, gasping with fear that he might have seen us already.   
Kangin let out a little sigh when he watched me trembling slightly. I was afraid that this had made him be disappointed in me, but relieve filled my until then stopped heart when I saw his gentle smile.   
  
When I had stayed over at his place a few days later none of the others were around since all of them had gone out. After we had made sure that the time we had to ourselves wasn’t wasted I laid in his arms, my head resting on his broad chest as I was listening to his heartbeat.   
I was feeling sleepy like most of the times we cuddled in bed after jerking us off. But I didn’t want to give in to my sleep. I wanted to finally cross the invisible line we had never ever crossed before.   
  
So I had lifted my head, putting on the most sexy face I could manage. “Youngwoon…”, I started with my eyes resting on his content face. He returned the look and smiled slightly cheeky. “Hm?”   
Won’t you take the next step? Won’t you fuck me?   
… I couldn’t probably ask him. I was afraid he’d freak. He normally was into girls after all. He wasn’t gay to begin with. He just… happened to have feelings for me, a guy. At least that was what I told myself.   
  
So I stayed silent and instead just presented him my dimple-smile before putting my lips down on his chest, kissing his soft skin. I slung my arm around him, pulling myself on top of him. “I love you, Youngwoon…”, I whispered sending my hot breath along his chest.   
“I know, Sweety…”, he answered, closing his eyes and tilting his head.   
I could feel him grow again. It seemed like I was about to succeed when I placed his hands on my butt again… .   
  
It was Heechuls phone call that interrupted us and made my plan die without succeeding. And that only to get me on the line to bitch about Hankyung declining his order to make him some Beijing rice – which I could totally understand since it was already late and everyone knew that whenever Heechul got something to eat after 8pm he’d not stop whining about having gained weight for the next few days… .   
  
When I finally got Heechul to audibly bloat his cheeks, throwing a “You’re no help at all!!” at me and hanging up I let out a deep sigh.   
Kangin was sitting next to me on the edge of the bed and caressed the nape of my neck. Our eyes met and we both smiled.   
Just as we were about to get in the right mood again we heard the door of Kangins dorm open and the voices of the other members who lived in that place filling the apartment.   
  
After having put on our clothes hastily before the others could enter Kangins room to see why the lights were still on I knew that I wasn’t going to succeed that night anymore… .   
But sleeping on sheets emitting Kangins smell, snuggling into the armpit of the person I loved the most, wasn’t that bad either… .   
  
And just now as I felt Kangins lips on mine I felt like I’d finally, finally get my chance. Not being interrupted by my dongsaengs. Those few cubic meters in the elevator were only ours. Just the two of us. No phones. No opening doors. No voices breaking in on us. Only us.   
If I couldn’t succeed now… I would have to give up. That was sure… .   
  
I slung my arms around Kangins neck, my fingers gently caressing his skin and deepened the kiss. I felt his tongue invading my mouth playing with mine, sending shivers down my spine. I had my eyes closed and all my senses were focusing on Kangins body, his breath, his every movement.   
  
“I love you…”, I whispered against his lips, opening my eyes a bit. I could see his dark eyelashes tremble before he, too, opened his eyes and returned my look with a small smile on his wet lips. Without saying anything he leaned forward and placed sweet butterfly-kisses on my cheek, then on my ear and down my neck. I held my breath and closed my eyes again, burying my fingers in his thick hair. I pushed my waist forward a bit so it met his and started moving myself against him in slow circles, making both of us turning hard.   
  
Just when I was about to lose myself in Kangins soft kisses, his warm palms wandering under my shirt and caressing my blank skin, I bit my lower lip and took a deep breath. I couldn’t let him take the lead… otherwise nothing would turn out different from the normal.   
So I lifted his chin so his eyes met mine and gave him a cheeky kiss, nibbling on his upper lip. Then I pushed him gently against the mirror that decorated the wall behind him, which made him lift an eyebrow and look at me, surprise showing in his eyes.   
  
I got nervous, but put on my cheekiest face, hoping that he wouldn’t notice my trembling.   
“You don’t always want to just touch, don’t you?”, I said in a low voice when I slid down on his body until my knees met the floor. My fingers started to work on Kangins belt, but due to my nervousness it took me a felt eternity to finally get it open.   
  
“… Jungsu… you…?”, I heard him stutter. Kangin seemed to not really know what happened to him right now. Not that I always laid back and let him do all the work, but it was the first time for me to be aggressive in such a way.   
When I finally had his pants open and pushed my hands in his boxers I felt my face turning hot. I knew what I wanted to do. But since I didn’t have any experience in blow jobs and sex between men _at all_ I was scared for some reason. Even though I normally would never ever do that, I had watched some gay porn to study. But seeing something like this on a TV screen was different from doing it yourself. In reality.   
  
What if I was absolutely bad at it? What if Kangin could not enjoy it? Would he brake up with me? The pressure grew and my breath started to tremble slightly.   
I knew myself.. the more I waited the more I’d get scared. So I pulled down Kangins boxers, revealing his erected member right in front of me, swallowed my fear and glanced up at Kangins face for last assurance why I did all this. His jaw was still dropped, his eyes staring at me in confusion and the corners of his mouth turned into a weird smile. And even though he looked like a retard right now, I felt like I just had fallen in love a bit more… .   
  
I took a last deep breath and then placed my lips on his warm tip. Encouraged by the moan he let out and the feel of his muscles tensing up I placed some more soft kissed along his length. It felt weird and slightly… surreal. But even if I felt like running away, I stayed and even went a step further than before by stopping my kisses and instead take his pulsating tip in my mouth, closing my lips around him.   
  
‘Ok. You can do it. You can definitely do it!’, I told myself over and over again as I started to move my head carefully sucking him off. Kangin threw his head back and let out a deep moan, his hands now resting on my head.   
I myself had never received a blowjob so all I could do was imitate what I had seen in porn or heard of from others hoping that it would be good enough to please my beloved. But his over and over again groaned “fuck!” was a sign for me that it was at least not all that bad.   
  
When I could feel his muscles tense and his fingers grip around my head harder I knew he was about to come. I wanted to pull away and tease him some more but he was faster and just as I had opened my mouth I could feel spurts of his hot cum hitting my nose an cheek.   
I could taste him in my mouth… and to be frank it was extremely gross. How could those people in porn say it’s yummy? It was bitter and… just weird.   
But at the same time I felt like this taste was the most precious taste for me… cause it was Kangins taste. And it proved that I had succeeded in pleasuring him. Just me.   
  
Kangin breathed heavily, his forehead covered in skin, as he sent me the most beautiful smile ever. He pulled me from the floor and into his embrace where he gave me a sweet kiss on the tip of my nose. “That…”, he panted. “… was fucking marvelous.”   
I smiled full of relieve and happiness, snuggling against his still heavily moving chest. “.. but of course.”   
  
I was about to lose myself happily in his strong arms again being carried away by his butterfly-kisses covering my face. ‘All the way!!’, I reminded myself and pulled away a bit.   
“Ne, Youngwoon…”, I licked over my lips, still tasting him. My hands closed around his wrists I planted his hands on my butt. “… how ‘bout returning the favor in some other way?”   
His eyes wandered down where his hands where, then up to meet mine again, an unsure smile showing on his face. “… what way?”, he asked.   
I let my fingers wander over the back of his hands to cover his, pressing them harder against my backside. “… don’t you wanna do more than just touching?”, I asked him teasingly, perfectly hiding my own fear of what was to come.   
  
Kangins face froze for a moment. “…wh-what?”   
His words made me insecure. “… you don’t want to go all the way?”, I asked him more directly.   
Abruptly he pulled his hands from underneath mine and stared at me in shock. “WHAT!?”   
I opened my mouth to say something but felt the weakness taking over myself. I should have known. His face told everything. It seemed like he was utterly disgusted with just the thought about sleeping with me. What had I expected? How could I have assumed he would sleep with me?   
  
I stepped back looking at him with a forced smile. “… you don’t?”, I asked again.   
He defensively lifted his hands. “You… _you_ want to? I mean…” He gulped then looked at me, his forehead in wrinkles. “… I mean: We’re two guys after all…”   
  
My face froze. Yeah. We both were guys. It’s not like I had forgotten about this.   
He wouldn’t be as desperate as to go after me for real, after all, right? That’s what he had told me long ago. How could I have made myself believe? How could I fall for his gentleness? He was just confused after all… unable to get _real_ woman. That was about all there was to us. I was merely a substitute… Just a place holder until the real thing turned up.   
  
I still had the fake smiled clued on my face and nodded, avoiding his eyes the best I could. “Yeah. Of course… sorry… I totally forgot about that.” I lied. And I bet he could tell. But what else could I do? Just start to cry? Show him how much I had been hurt? I didn’t want him to see me weak like this… I didn’t want him to hurt. I must be stupid to still think about his well-being even in a situation like this.   
  
I turned around pushing the metallic button again that before had brought the elevator to a stop, now made it move again.   
“Just forget what I was talking about… I… didn’t really think…”   
I couldn’t face him. I couldn’t meet his eyes. I’d cry. I’d start crying when I’d look at his face now. So I mustn’t look.   
  
I startled as the elevator came to a sudden stop again and I felt Kangins fingers on mine, pressing against the button.   
“I’m sorry, hyung… don’t cry….” He turned me around and hugged me, kissing away the tears that were streaming over my face.   
  
“I’m sorry…”, he repeated, his voice trembling with guilt. I shook my head trying to force a smile that just wouldn’t show on my face. “Don’t worry, just forget about it. It’s nothing…”, I stuttered, trying to make myself believe in my words, too.   
“How can it be nothing when you’re crying like that?”, he looked at me, brushing away new tears with his warm thumb.   
I didn’t know what to say… .   
  
He sighed. “It’s not like I haven’t thought about it…”, he murmured after both of us had stayed silent for a while. I looked at him questioningly. He chewed on his lower lip returning my look.   
“… but like I said… we’re both guys, right?” My heart stung again but before I could turn away from him again to not show my hurt expression he cupped my face with his hands forcing me to look at him again. “… we’re both guys and we’re not gay to begin with, so it’s hard to do it…. Since one has to be bottom. Right?”   
  
My eyes widened at his words. He wasn’t disgusted with the thought of doing it with me? But just… worried about who was top and who was bottom? He hadn’t brought up going all the way because he cared for me?   
I started crying again, this time out of relieve, burying my face in his shoulder.   
  
I could feel Kangin sigh again as he closed his arms around my small figure, pulling me closer. “I mean…”, he continued in a low voice. “You’re the older one, so normally you should be top, right?”   
I heard him gulping. “B…but…”   
“I didn’t want to top you, Kangin… you’re… you’re not the type…”, I mumbled into his shirt.   
Kangins tensed muscles relaxed again.   
“But even if I was the one topping…”, he put one of his warm palms on my head stroking my hair. “… you’re a guy, too.. _and_ older. How could I possibly ask you to receive, hm?”   
  
I hugged him tight, tilting my head so I could look him in the face.   
“I’m fine with it…”, I said after silently looking him into his dark eyes. “… as long as it’s you.”   
I knew how cheesy it sounded, but I just meant those words. I really meant them from the bottom of my heart.   
  
We stared at each other for a while after this, both saying nothing. Then he kissed me gently on my swollen eyes, then on my nose, then finally on my lips.   
“If you tell me to stop, I will…”, he whispered as his hands wandered to my buttocks, groping them slightly, causing me to hold my breath.   
“… okay…”, I answered, starting to open Kangins shirt while enjoying his lips on my neck.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kangin and Eeteuk finally had their first time... but after their time in the elevator Kangin changes...

It had been two days since Kangin and I had finally crossed the line and had have sex in the elevator. Not the best place for a first time, but when you live in a dorm it’s just hard to find some private time elsewhere.  
And Kangin had been trying his best to make it comfortable for the two of us…   
  
He had built something similar to a futon out of our clothes and had carefully placed me on it.  
He had kissed my whole body – caring enough he had paid attention to not only caress my chest area – and carefully prepared me for the final act.  
When he had slowly pressed one of his fingers in me I was happy that I had had planned everything before hand and had taken a bottle of lube with me since it hurt like hell and I didn’t even want to think about how  much more intense the pain would’ve been without it.  
There had been a lot of times when Kangin had wanted to stop when he noticed my tears and the pain showing on my face, but I always assured him I was ok and he should continue.  
  
It was one of the most painful experiences I had had in my live. Nothing like I had imagined it to be after watching the moaning and panting guys in gay porn.   
Sure I had known that it must hurt at first, but the pain never lessened for me. If it hadn’t been Kangin I would’ve pushed the other one away and stopped immediately. But it was different cause it was my beloved Kangin.  
  
To feel him press inside me slowly was painful, but it also filled me with a happiness I just can’t describe.   
Feeling him accelerate the pace of his thrusting hips felt like he’d tear me apart, but it was something I’d never want to miss… ‘cause it showed just how much we loved each other.  
I had kissed him over and over, trying to distract myself from my own pain and at the same time bring more pleasure to him.  
  
For me there hadn’t been a turning point where pain shifted into pleasure like I had often read about, but it didn’t matter to me.   
It was the first time after all… of course it hurt. And everything would just get better now. I was sure that if we’d do it again I’d hurt less and less and I’d surely eventually drown in pleasure given by my beloved one.  
  
  
Kangin had taken special care of me that evening.   
He had stayed over even though he had an early schedule the next day.   
He had nursed me the best he could, trying to make the pain in my lower half lessen.  
  
“Don’t make that face, Youngwoon…”, I had told him over and over again when I saw his eyes showing how guilty and bad he felt. “I’m feeling great. I’m the happiest person on earth right now.”  
He had nodded with a sweet smile on his lips and kissed my forehead, but the worried look in his eyes hadn’t disappeared.  
  
Now it had been two days and I still felt kind of sore, but just as I had assured Kangin: I was happy.   
I was really, really happy.  
My lover had been very busy since our time in the elevator so we had barely seen each other. But I was anticipating the week-end that lied ahead of us, where we would finally get a whole day together again.  
  
I was sitting at the kitchen table, a cup of hot milk with honey in my hand, and listened to Sungmin and Hyukkie making plans for the weekend.  
“How bout the zoo?”, Sungmin proposed with sparking eyes, but Hyukkie shook his head. “Nah, we were to the zoo the last day off, remember? The bunny at the petting zoo bit you in your index finger and you cried the whole day…”  
The olders cheeks turned slightly red as he pouted. “But I really wanna go to the zoo…”  
Hyukkie fidgeted around on his chair and took another sip of his hot chocolate. “How bout the amusement park? We haven’t been there for quite a while…”  
Sungmins eyes lit up again and one of his big, cute smiles formed on his lips.  
“Yes! That’s a GREAT idea, Hyukkie! Yes, yes, yes!”  
  
I couldn’t help but smile at their conversation… . And I wondered if Hyukkie maybe felt something similar for Sungmin like the older one did for him.  
It was hard to tell friendship from something closer than that… at least when you were friends for such a long time already… .  
  
The door bell startled me out of my thoughts and I felt my heart thump since I knew who it was, even before I had gotten to my feet and opened the door to greet my beloved one.  
“You tired?”, I asked after giving him a small kiss after I made sure no one was around to notice us.  
He nodded, a smile on his face, and took off his shoes, then followed me to the kitchen where he sat down on one of the free chairs that surrounded the kitchen table.  
  
“And we could go on the Ferris wheel!”, Sungmin chirped excited and he and Hyukkie both jumped in anticipation.  
Kangin lifted an eyebrow and gave me an questioningly look.  
“They’re making plans for the weekend…”, I explained and handed him a cup of the tea he always had when he stayed over.  
  
“Yes!”, Hyukkie grinned. “We’re going to go to the amusement park… and it’s gonna be loads of fun! You should SO go there, too!!”  
I nervously glanced at Kangin and waited for his answer. I prayed he’d be as grumpy as ever and told them to go alone since he wasn’t such a kiddy to be able to have fun on such a stupid thing. It was what he always brought up when he needed an excuse to not go there, even though it was a blatant lie.  
It was our weekend off… and I hoped for us to be able to spent it together, just the two of us… .  
  
“Naah… you guys go alone. I don’t need stuff like that…”, he grunted and took a sip from the steaming cup in his hands.  
I sighed with relieve.  
If I remembered correctly everyone else had a schedule or was going out that weekend… so it should be just the two of us. Only us. Alone. We could cuddle in bed, do some h-stuff, watch movies and just enjoy being together again without having to care about the world.  
  
“Come on, Hyukkie, Kangin surely feels better when he and Teukie can have a good rest at home without anyone getting on his nerves…”, Sungmin stated, an almost invisible grin on his face. I bet he knew exactly what was going on in my head. Nothing could escape his foxy eyes…  
  
“Hmm… bet you’re right…”, Hyukkie shrugged and lifted his cup again but paused when Kangin said: “But now when I think about it… it’s not that bad of an idea…”  
  
I couldn’t believe Kangin would say that. I knew he enjoyed amusement parks of course. Even though he insisted on being strong and manly he was a kid at heart and loved riding roller coasters and freefalls – unlike me. I hated height and I always felt like throwing up after riding a roller coaster, no matter how much fun I had while still on the ride… .  
I knew he loved amusement parks… but I thought he’d declined for the sake of some private time with me.  
  
“You sure you wanna go?”, I asked twiddling with the cup in my hands. “I mean… you had such a tight schedule these days. Don’t you wanna rest?”  
He glanced at me, and I thought I could see a slightly fake smile on his lips.  
“Come on, Teukie, don’t you think it’s gonna be fun? I’ll ride the freefall with you, if you want to” He smirked, bursting in laughter when I smacked his head.  
  
“Stupid…”, I murmured. He maybe cut me out of a weekend at home snuggling in bed next to him, but maybe he was right and going to the amusement park would also be kind of fun… .  
  
When the two of us later laid in bed next to each other I turned in his embrace to look at him through the darkness of the room.  
“Ne, Youngwoon…”, I breathed. “Have you missed me?”  
I could see a smile appear on his face as his dark eyes gently looked at me. “Of course I missed you…”, he answered giving me a small kiss.  
I looked at him silently for some time then continued. “If you missed me as much as I missed you… why… “ I felt stupid. I felt stupid asking him. But I really wanted to know… . “Why won’t you touch me tonight?”  
  
He looked at me with an expression I couldn’t read. Silently.  
I was so nervous I almost didn’t dare to breath.  
Why didn’t he say something? Was it weird that I wanted to feel him more than just in a hug after we hadn’t really seen each other for two days?  
“… I’m too tired today…”, he mumbled sleepily after seconds that seemed like an eternity to me.  
  
Of course his schedule had been tiring. But him being sleepy and exhausted never had been a reason to not start feeling me up and making both of us drown in pleasure.  
Why now?  
Why today?  
I didn’t really understand but I forced myself to believe his explanation.  
“Then you should sleep soon…”, I smiled at him and gave him a sweet goodnight kiss.  
He returned the kiss, gently stroking my hair as I placed my head on his broad chest, listening to his heartbeat until I fell asleep.  
  
When I woke up the next day he was already gone. Just another one of his little notes on the pillow next to where my head laid.  
I smiled and put the note in my nightstand, then got up and ready for my schedule.  
  
The days passed and the weekend came closer without the two of us having proper time for ourselves. So I had to take in every little touch of our hands, every hug, every little kiss, whenever no one was looking, and savor it until the day we finally could see each other for a little longer again.  
  
When it was finally Saturday and I waited in front of the convenience store for Kangin I grew more and more nervous as the minutes passed.  
I’d finally see him again. For a whole weekend. I’d be able to spent time with him, touch him, laugh with him, just feel him next to me.  
  
“What are you grinning for?”, a familiar voice startled me and I turned around a big smile on my face as I saw my beloveds smile.  
“… just being happy.”, I answered and took his hand pulling him along with me down the street. “You’re late. We gotta hurry.”  
But in contradiction to my words I walked rather slowly, hoping that maybe if we showed up too late the other two wouldn’t wait at the bus stop anymore but be already gone. We would stay back home then, right? Just the two of us… .  
  
But as we reached the bus stop Sungmin and Eunhyuk were still there, waving and shouting at us to get our lazy asses over to them since the bus was approaching.  
It was the first time since quite some time that we took public transportation and even as we had disguised ourselves as good as possible our fans found out and the bus ride turned into a singing- and photo-marathon… .  
I hated it when it was finally our day off and we still had to handle all this “being public”. It’s not that I didn’t love our fans or that I was unhappy being recognized by and talked to by them… . But I wanted to spent time for us… . Far away from all those eyes watching us, following us, leaving us no space to breath.  
  
When we arrived at the amusement park we were able to get rid of most of the fans and finally had some time to enjoy ourselves, riding the auto-scooter, eating cotton candy, get ourselves soaked in the big tree trunk slide and riding different roller coasters – Kangin had to help me throw up afterwards since he forced me along on the highest and roughest ride of the whole park.  
  
“You ok again?”, Sungmin and Eunhyuk asked with worried faces as Kangin and I returned from the toilets. I nodded weakly and tried to smile but I still felt sick.  
“…now you can’t ride the Ferris wheel!”, Hyukkie realized and looked at me like I just was told I had cancer and would die in less than a week.  
I laughed weakly and pinched his cheek. “… that’s just fine with me. You guys go alone… I’ll wait here…”  
The others hesitated and Kangins eyes wandered from the big and colorful wheel to my pale face and back again. I could tell he really wanted to go, so I assured him I’d be ok by myself and he should go with the others, but in the end he sent the others off by themselves and stayed with me down on the ground.  
I smiled. It was just so much like Kangin to take care of me with his great gentleness.  
  
“You really could’ve gone there…”, I told him again. “I know you love Ferris wheels…”  
My counterpart sighed and tousled my hair. “Yes, I do. Cause they are romantic.”, he grinned. “So what should I do up there with those two dorks? Hm?”  
My lips formed a happy smile as the both of us walked slowly in the direction where Sungmin and Eunhyuk had disappeared moments before.  
We joked around, teasing us until we reached the bottom of the big Ferris wheel where we sat down on a bench and waited for the others to return.  
  
When our friends’ car reached the ground and the lady in charge opened the door we could see Hyukkie whoosh out of the small cabin and run away.  
Kangin and I exchanged surprised looks and walked towards the visibly sad Sungmin that just walked past the lady.  
“What happened?”, Kangin asked worried. Sungmin just shook his head and I could see tears glistening in the corners of his eyes.  
  
“Kangin-ah… could you go look for Hyukkie?”, I put my hand on Sungmins shoulder and smiled at my lover. “We’ll meet at the information stand later, ok?”  
Kangin hesitated, then nodded and ran to the crowd of people between which Eunhyuk had disappeared.  
  
“What happened?” This time it was me asking my dongsaeng as I gently pulled him along to a more quiet spot of the park.  
He stayed silent for quite some time, sobbing now and then, looking so miserable I just had to hug him.  
“… I… I…”, he stuttered. “… I kissed him…” Now he started crying, hugging me tight and covering his face on my shoulder as I stroked his head.  
“… it was just… I… I couldn’t stop myself… he… looked so sweet…and I.. and I….”  
“It’s ok, Minnie… I understand.”  
I didn’t want to force him to tell me any more detail that would hurt him. I thought I could imagine quite well what had happened and I felt bad for my friend. He must have hurt the same as I had when I had confessed to Kangin and he just walked away… .  
  
But just because it seemed to be so much the same I felt like maybe there was some hope… maybe Hyukkie, too, - just like Kangin back then – was just too surprised to handle… .  
  
But I didn’t share my thoughts with him. It would be too painful to raise his hope if maybe I was wrong… so I stayed silent, trying to comfort him with my being by his side. And after some time he started to breath normally again and his sobbing dried up.  
“You think you can face him?”, I asked in a low voice looking at him worried. He lifted his head and brushed away some last tears from his swollen eyes. “Un.”, he nodded and once again I was amazed by his strength.  
I gave him a small peck on his forehead and an encouraging smile and then we left to find the other two at the information stand.  
  
The whole way home had been utterly awkward. No one dared to start a real conversation… only Kangin set off attempts to brighten up the mood by some of his jokes, but failed.  
  
  
I worried the whole next weeks. I tried to be a comfort for Sungmin and again we shared my bed most of the nights sleeping our fingers interlaced, giving both of us strength.   
Yes. Both of us.  
Cause not only Minnie suffered from heartache…   
I had noticed a change in Kangins behavior.  
  
Since that day in the elevator he hadn’t touched me. Not at all.   
Even the night after the day in the amusement park he hadn’t done anything. He still kissed me, hugged me, spent time with me… but he never touched me more intimate.  
And I felt like he regretted what he had done. Maybe he was engrossed after all, having slept with a guy. Maybe he felt dirty. What if he had noticed that it wasn’t real love he felt for me as he had thought back then? What if he had noticed that I really was nothing more than a friend he used for a substitute?  
  
‘No. That’s not it.’, I tried to reassure myself everyday. But whenever I tried to get more intimate with him, kiss him harder, feel him up he’d opt for flight. Whenever he stayed over and I tried to get him into the right mood he’d say he was too sleepy.  
I had asked him if something had happened, but he had just smiled at me telling me I’d see things… .  
Was I really just imagining stuff? But… why didn’t he touch me? Why?  
  
To focus on something else before going mad I tried to talk to Hyukkie about what happened in the Ferris wheel, but he’d just turn bright red and run away. I was no help at all for Sungmin, I felt.  
I didn’t know how to help him change his situation and make him feel better… I was the leader, the oldest of all members, but I felt weak and powerless.  
Sungmin put on his cute smile so perfectly it hurt me watching him. He didn’t let his sorrow show by day, but cried utterly at night. And all I could do was hug him as tight as possible and stay with him until morning dawned again and he put on his strong face.  
  
  
It was on a hot day in june when I was supposed to finally lose my strength again.  
I was shopping with Sungmin, trying to make him forget about the evening before, when Heechul had made fun of Hyukkie and Donghae behaving like lovebirds without realizing Minnies broken heart.  
  
“Look at this!”, I pulled him closer to look at the plushy bunny-backpack in my hands. Luckily he smiled at me nodding and looked at the price tag attached. “Aw..”, he sulked. “I don’t have enough money on me…”  
I looked at his eyes focusing on the big, black button-eyes of the bunny and could tell that he really liked this one.  
“You know what?”, I grinned and put the backpack in his hands. “I’ll get it for you.”  
  
He jumped in joy, squealing and just looking at him being so cute made me laugh out.  
“Come on… let’s continue.. there’s lots of other cute stuff here!”  
  
After we had browsed through the shelves of the store for quite some while Sungmin surprised me by bringing up Kangin all of a sudden.  
  
“He still avoids you?”, he asked, his eyebrows contracted. I smiled sadly and nodded.  
“Haa…”, he sighed. “How are we supposed to understand stupid behavior like this?”  
I laughed at his pouting face and agrees nodding. “Yeah… the two of us don’t have a good choice in lovers, right?”  
I trousled his hair and smiled at him. He returned the smile and the both of us strolled through the corridor of the store to pay for the stuff we picked.  
  
“I just wished he’d tell me what I did wrong…”, I picked up the subject again when we sat in a café later on. “I mean… what does he think? I can’t tell.. I just can’t tell…”  
Sungmin nipped on his hot chocolate and nodded silently.  
  
“If he hated it that much, why does he still kiss me? Why is he so nice?”  
I could feel my eyes turning wet.  
“Why does he hug me if he doesn’t love me enough to … to do more? Why did he sleep with me if he starts avoiding me like this?”  
I grinded my teeth trying to suppress the tears that were threatening to cover my sight.  
  
“I don’t understand him either…”, Sungmin admitted in a soft voice, his eyes inspecting my face as if he’d prepare to run around the table and hug me if I’d start crying.  
  
“Why did he sleep with me if he doesn’t love me? Why did he sleep with me?”  
Sungmin stood up. He walked around the table, sat down on the chair next to mine and hugged me gentle.  
“Don’t cry, Teukie-hyung…”, he whispered. “Just because he doesn’t touch you doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you…”  
  
“But why is he behaving like this? Why doesn’t he tell me what’s wrong?”, I sobbed. “Why is he like that? Why?”  
My dongsaeng stayed silent, his hands slowly stroking my back to comfort me. He, too, didn’t have an answer… .  
  
What was Kangin thinking? I couldn’t tell anymore… . If he loved me he’d want to do it with me, right? If he hated being with me he would stop being nice to me… .  
But why was he still so nice, so gentle… but pushing me away whenever I wanted to enjoy our private time together. It wasn’t like I just wanted his body… but I felt so insecure… it had taken me such a long time to finally find the courage to take this final step. I had let him take him, I had taken the pain just because I loved him more than anything in the world.  
I had chosen to be with him even if it meant hiding and running from everyone else, even the people dear to me. I had chosen to be with him because I loved him.  
  
He had told me he loved me too… so why was he running now? Why was he avoiding me so bluntly? And why couldn’t he tell me?  
I didn’t understand… I just didn’t understand… .  
  
  
When I finally had calmed down again both of us emptied our cups.  
“Let’s go home… and watch some stupid movie… ne?”, Sungmin smiled at me encouraging. I nodded returning the smile the best I could manage and got up from my chair to pay.  
“Let me pay! You already bought me the backpack!”, Minnie decided and ran to the front desk faster than I could answer him.  
I smiled. He was a really good dongsaeng. A dear, caring friend… .  
  
While I was waiting for Sungmin to return I let my eyes wander the café. A lot of couples were there, smiling at each other happily, feeding each other cake… . Summer was approaching and everyone seemed lovey dovey… I felt like the world was unfair to Sungmin and myself. Extremely unfair.  
  
“Chachaaa~ here I am, let’s go ba-“, Sungmin paused as he saw my face, eyes widened with shock, tears lingering in the corners, mouth standing open.   
He followed my eyes to a table at the back of the café where a couple was drinking tea chattering. The guy lifted a small casket with something shining in it and both of them grinned.  
  
“…. Kangin.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eeteuk and Sungmin have spotted Kangin in a café. With a cute girl... but Teukie doesn't want to believe his lover would ever cheat on him...

“…Kangin.”, I heard Sungmin whisper almost inaudible.  
  
No. He was wrong. It wasn’t Kangin. It couldn’t be. Kangin wouldn’t sit in a café with such a cute girl, flirting. He had schedule today. He wouldn’t be here… . It wasn’t Kangin.  
  
“…that fuckin’ bastard!” Sungmin clenched his fists.  
I turned around and put my hand on his shoulder, slightly trembling, and smiled. “It’s not him, Minnie… So don’t talk bad bout Kanginnie…”  
The younger one stared at me unbelievingly. His eyes searched mine for some hint what was going on in my mind.  
  
After a few moments of both of us simply standing there, staring at each other, he let out a sigh and nodded.  
He looked at me again, a sad glow in his eyes. “Yeah. You must be right. I’m just seeing things…”, he smiled with trembling lips.  
“Let’s go home…”  
And without waiting for a reply he took me by the hand and fled the café pulling me along.  
  
It wasn’t Kangin. It was just someone who looked like him. Kangin loved me. ‘But he never told you since this very first confession!’, my mind kept telling me.  
But no. Kangin wouldn’t do this to me. He loved me, even if he didn’t say it out loud he loved me. I had heard it in his heartbeat, I had felt it in his breath whenever it had touched my skin.   
  
“…-ng!” He loved me. And he wouldn’t do this to me. He wouldn’t cheat on me. Because he chose me. He chose me even though he knew that I was a guy and that there were a lot of problems ahead. He chose me.  
He loved me. He chose me! He wouldn’t do it… he never would do it.  
  
“… hyung!” Kangin was gentle and always cared for me. He wouldn’t hurt me. No. He might not have told me he loved me but he did. He did. That was sure. He loved me, so… “HYUNG!”  
  
I twitched at Sungmins sharp voice breaking through the madness in my mind.  
“Wh-what?”, I asked clenching my chest. “Hyung…”, he wet his lips with an utterly sad expression, his eyebrows contracted. “Don’t. Please don’t think about it….” He almost looked like he was about to cry… .  
  
I swallowed the thoughts that were about to force their way into my mind and nodded a weak smile on my lips. “I don’t… cause that wasn’t him. It wasn’t…”, I murmured, my voice cracking.  
  
After this we didn’t speak until we finally reached our dorm. Without greeting the others I went straight to my room where I threw myself on the bed, face down.  
My eyes had betrayed me. Kangin had a schedule today. There was no way that had been him… .  
But those curled up lips when he had smiled… those sparkling eyes… those gentle fingers that had held up the casket…  
No. Even if that guy had looked so much alike. It hadn’t been Kangin. It couldn’t!  
  
I took a deep breath, inhaling my beloved ones scent that was still lingering on the fabric of my sheets. Yes. Kangin spent his nights here, holding me in his arms, gently kissing me. That was my beloved Kangin. My Youngwoon.  
He wouldn’t meet with a girl behind my back. Never.  
  
Without noticing it I had fallen asleep hurled up in Kangins sweet lingering smell, his smiling face tracing my dreams. It had been Eunhyuk who had forcefully waken me up so we wouldn’t miss our radio show.  
Still sleepy and so not in the mood for an audience and cameras and talks and jokes I got up and ready for the show.  
  
When we finally reached home again I opened the door to our dorm and even before I fully had entered I knew that Kangin was there.  
I smiled.  
  
“Hey there…”, I greeted the others when I entered the kitchen.  
“Heeeyy!”, Kangin greeted back followed by waving hands and greeting words from the others. “How was your day?”  
I sat down on the chair next to Kangin. “…fine. Sukira was quite nice, ne, Hyukkie?” My blonde dongsaeng who had just entered the kitchen nodded and was already on the search for some late night snack.  
  
“How bout you? How was your schedule?”, I heard my voice asking and immediately hated myself for being such a sneaky weasel. Why did I feel that there was this touch of mistrust swinging in my words? It hadn’t been him I had seen that afternoon. He was my beloved Youngwoon and I trusted him more than anyone else… . He had chosen me over everything else and I believed in him… . How could I ask him this with such a voice?  
  
Kangin leaned back taking a sip of his can of beer. “It was quite busy but everything went well..”, he smiled.  
“… you haven’t taken a break in between, have you?” I looked at Sungmin. His voice had sound so sharp and his eyes laid on Kangin with darkness showing in them.  
The one spoken to lifted and eyebrow and shook his head. “No. I’ve been to the studio the whole time… why you ask?”  
Sungmin stayed silent, staring at him, then shook his head. “No special reason.”  
  
“I guess he wants to say you work too hard.”, I smiled and patted Kangins arm, trying to lift the tensed atmosphere between those two.  
He hadn’t been to the city. It hadn’t been him. We had just mistaken him for someone else… he wouldn’t meet with cute girls behind my back. He wouldn’t lie to me.  
  
“Well… it’s not just Kangin!”, Hyukkie closed the fridge and sat down, his hands empty. “All of us work hard!”  
I chuckled at his eyes searching around the kitchen for something decent to eat and nodded. “Yeah. Of course we do.”  
  
Kangin stayed in my room again that night, sleeping soundly next to me.  
I myself was unable to fall asleep. So I stayed awake, watching Youngwoons sleeping face and his broad chest moving under his breath.  
A strange calmness filled me while I was watching his lips depart while a small sigh left his throat.  
I loved him.  
I loved him so much… it almost hurt.  
  
I wanted to believe his words. I wanted to believe in him loving me and only me. Before we had settled in my bed for sleep I had asked him if he would ever make out with someone else behind my back. He had laughed out loud and shaken his head. “Of course not, stupid!”, he had grinned and poked my forehead, before giving me a small kiss.  
I wanted to believe in his words. He wouldn’t lie to me about this, would he? He wasn’t such a cruel person, right?  
  
But no matter how much I wanted to believe him… the picture of the bright smile, full of love, and those big hands showing off the casket and it’s glittering object inside just wouldn’t leave me mind… .  
  
And he hadn’t touched me again. Not at all… .  
  
  
The following days I didn’t see Kangin too much. His schedule was busy and so was mine and the only times we saw each other we fell asleep in each other’s arm right away only to wake up to one of Kangins sweet notes next to me on the bed.  
  
It was over a week after we had seen Kangins doppelganger in the café.  
The weather was extremely nice and I had a few hours to myself and decided to stroll through the city.  
I pulled my hat deeper down in my face and watched the people around me through my sunglasses. Luckily no one seemed to recognize me until now, so I continued my way down the streets and stopped in front of the window of a jeweler.   
Between all the other jewelry in the shop I spotted a necklace with a pendant that immediately made me think of Kangin. It would look perfect around his strong neck, I was sure about it.  
  
I went inside and talked to the staff, who handed me the necklace so I could have a closer look at it. The pendant had the form of a raccoon-tail and seemed just the right size for a guys necklace. I smiled when I let my fingers run over the polished, cold silver.   
Yes. This would definitely fit him. Perfectly.  
  
I nodded my thanks to the staff at the store and left the shop, happiness filling my whole body. I couldn’t wait to present this little present to Kangin. He’d have this surprised look at first, just staring at the pendant in his eyes, then show his big smile, doing this little, silly dance he always did when he was too happy for words. And then he’d hug me and whisper his thanks into my ear, giving me a small kiss… .  
I almost squealed just imagining it. Hopefully he’d be home tonight. I would go over to the dorm to hand him the present… . Or should I wait until the perfect time?  
  
While I was still thinking about how and when to give him to make him the happiest I looked at the blue sky partly covered with soft, white clouds.  
Who cared about when it was perfect? I just wanted to hand it to him as soon as possible... !  
  
When I averted my eyes from the blue of the sky and looked down again I froze.  
“Yeah it’s really cute… fits you perfectly!”, I apprehended a very familiar voice.  
I turned to where the voice came from and my eyes widened as I saw Kangin and the same beautiful girl that sat opposite of his doppelganger in the café the last time, standing between some clothes racks just a few meter ahead.  
They seemed to browse through some sale articles. Cute, girly stuff.  
  
I stared at him, feeling my body turn numb.  
It was him. I wanted to tell myself it wasn’t, but I just knew. It was his voice, his hair, his broad shoulders, his happy smile, his soft hands, his laughter, … .  
It was him. No doubt.  
He was here. With the cute girl. And proved that he had lied to me.  
He had lied to me. He lied. He lied! He lied!  
  
I felt tears dwelling in my eyes, still focusing him. My chin trembled.  
I couldn’t cry. Not here. Not in public. Not when je could turn around every second and spot me. I couldn’t let him see me. Not when I looked like this. Not when he was with this girl. Not when he laughed with her. Not when he touched her shoulder. Not when he scratched the back of his head like this.  
  
I clenched my fingers around the strap of the goody bag in my right hand.  
The pendant I had bought just a few moments ago seemed like it gained more and more weight every second, threatening to tear out my arm… .  
Both of them smiled brightly, joking around, holding up dresses to each other.  
  
He had lied.  
  
I took off with full speed.  
I couldn’t watch this.  
I couldn’t allow myself to cry.  
I had to get away.  
  
  
The next morning I sat backstage of the studio, getting my makeup done for a game show I’d have to attend.  
I hadn’t slept at all. And even the makeup wasn’t able to cover neither the even for me abnormal pale of my face nor the  dark circles under my eyes.  
  
I stared at my reflection, my mind empty.  
My eyes wandered over my face. My blank, bloodshot eyes. My too long nose. My dry, chapped lips. My haggard face. My ugly face.  
I felt like throwing up.  
  
I couldn’t compare to a cute girl.  
  
“Why didn’t you come over yesterday?”  
Kangin appeared behind me, a pout on his with makeup covered face.  
“Didn’t you get my messages? I even tried calling you.”  
I still stared at my expressionless face.  
“I was too tired. Sorry…” I heard myself answer in a weak voice.  
He frowned at me through the mirror and leaned down, his lower arms resting on my shoulders.  
  
“…. You should sleep more. You don’t look good.”, he said after watching me for a while.  
I couldn’t help but smile sadly at his gentle care. I knew I normally would have been happy, feeling my chest warm up. But I right that moment there was nothing than a stinging pain.  
‘Don’t be gentle.’  
  
“You should get ready… we’ll start in 5 minutes.”, I heard one of the staff say.  
Both of us nodded.  
  
“Ne, Youngwoon…” I gulped, feeling my chest tighten at the thoughts of what lied ahead of me.  
“You chose me, right?”  
He lifted an eyebrow, not sure what this all was about. “Of course. I told you, didn’t I?”, he answered.  
I held my breath for a few seconds then turned around in my chair, looking him straight up in the eyes.  
“Why?”  
  
The left corner of his mouth twitched and his eyes wandered over my face, trying to read something that would tell him how I came up with the question.  
“Why?”, I repeated again, my voice slightly trembling.  
He smiled gently, placing his warm palm on my head.  
“Because you’re special to me. Very special.”  
  
I moistened my lips. My eyes still piercing him.  
“Am I the only one special? So special there’s nothing you’d hide from me?”  
I could see uncertainty show in his eyes.  
“What… what are you talking ‘bout, Jungsu?”, he asked me his forehead in wrinkles.  
“Answer me. Please.”, I demanded, not letting him escape.  
  
“Of course you are.”, he answered without hesitating.  
  
I stared at him – stared through him – for a few more seconds, then averted my eyes getting up from the chair and heading to the set.  
When I passed him I halted for a moment.  
  
“Ne, Kangin…”, I heard myself say.  
  
“Let’s break up.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teukie has broken up with Kangin.... and the heavy atmosphere is something no one of the SuJus can take...

„Let’s break up“  
  
I couldn’t believe I had said that. I didn’t even know why I said that.  
It just slipped from my broken heart.  
  
Kangin just stared at me, his body frozen to the spot he was standing on. His jaw had fallen, his breath stopped for a few seconds and his eyes widened with shock.  
“Wh-What?”, he uttered unbelievingly.  
  
I couldn’t stand seeing him like that anymore. Why did you look so shocked? Why did he look so utterly hurt? He had betrayed me… how dare he looked at me with those broken eyes?  
I didn’t understand. And it hurt. It hurt so much… .  
  
I quickly tried to get away. Away from his eyes that pierced straight through my heart, away from his stocking breath, away from … him. I headed over to the set without turning back.  
I didn’t have to look at him to know what his face looked like. I felt it even without having to look at it. I felt how his lips closed again. I felt how his body started moving. I felt him come after me and I felt his fingers close in a tight grip around my wrist and quickly turning me around.  
  
“What did you just say?”, he asked me, almost screaming.  
I tried to avoid his eyes and pull away from him, but his grip got even tighter until ti almost hurt.  
“Why? I-… What happened? What did I do?”  
  
What did he do? What did he do?!  
“You lied, damnit!”, I screamed, finally tearing myself away from him and stomping into the bright, hot light of the spots.  
How could he ask that? How could he meet up with a girl behind my back, lie about it and then act like I was the one doing wrong?  
  
I felt like crying.   
But I was a professional.   
So I swallowed my tears and put on my most perfect smile instead.  
I joked with the MCs, made the audience crack here and there, imitated my usual happy, carefree self.  
  
And so did he. He smiled, pulled jokes, he made fun of me. Just like he always did.  
Only that this time I felt hurt from it. I felt like it tore me apart, ripping out my heart.  
Because no matter how perfectly normal we acted, we both could see the distance in our eyes.  
It wasn’t like usual.  
It was nothing like usual.  
But both of us had to handle the situation like professionals.  
We had to, not matter how much it hurt us.  
  
  
“Good job!”, I nodded to the staff that passed me by backstage as I was getting on my way home.  
Just as I picked up my bag and my jacket I felt a warm presence behind me.  
  
“Let us talk about it, Jungsu…”, Kangin said in a low voice. “I’m sure you-“  
“Kangin!”, I ripped him off his words and turned around sending him a dark look. “I’m tired. And I’m going home right now.”  
He stared at me. And I felt like a really bad person as I enjoyed the hurt look in his eyes when I had called him by his stage-name even though it was just the two of us.  
I enjoyed seeing him hurt just the way I had felt hurt the last weeks.  
  
He opened his mouth to say something again but I rushed out of the small room and through the backstage door into the humid air of the evening.  
I knew we should talk. I knew things couldn’t stay like this. Unspoken. Lingering.  
But just that day I didn’t feel like I had the strength to talk to him... .  
  
Normally Kangin would have stayed over at our dorm that night. But of course he didn’t show up.  
Why should he? I was the one that had told him to break up.  
But still… somewhere in my heart I had hoped he’d show up and pull me in one of his close hugs telling me that all of this wasn’t true. Telling me he loved me… .  
  
I lowered my head and let him rest on my bent legs as I was sitting on my bed only the dim light of the moon keeping me company.  
I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to lose my beloved one… especially not when we’d have to be around each other every day because of Super Junior.   
No… I actually didn’t care about that. I just didn’t want to part from him… simply because I loved him. I loved him so much. No matter if he had seen that woman or not.  
I just loved him… .  
  
“Hyung?”, I heard Sungmins worried voice. “You ok?”  
He stood in the doorway his eyes resting on my pitiful figure squatting in the corner of my bed.  
“… do I look like it?”, I whispered without lifting my head.  
I felt the hot tears on my cheeks when Sungmin sat down next to me, placing his comforting hand on my back.  
He didn’t talk, didn’t ask me what happened. He just sat next to me, stroking over my shaking back, keeping me company. And I was happy he did.  
  
“I… broke up with him…”, I told him between my sobs after a long time of the two of us staying silent. “I broke up with him!”  
Having said it out loud made me cry even more and I almost choked on my sobs.  
“Oh, Teukie….”, Sungmin sounded as if he, too, would start  crying any second as he closed the door behind him and sat himself on the edge of my bed.  
  
“I broke up with him… I- ….. it… it just came out of my mouth…”  
Sungmin slung his arms around my shoulder and gently brushed away some of the tears that were glittering on my face.  
“…is it because of the girl we saw him with?”, he asked carefully.  
I nodded, another wave of tears braking.  
“I was in town… I bought him a present! And… and…”, the memory hurt. “…and then he was there… with this girl again…. And they laughed… and…”  
I couldn’t take it anymore.  
Why had he never told me about that girl? Weren’t we at least friends? Why did he meet her under the cover of having a schedule? Why did he lie to me?  
  
Sungmin, too, had no answers to those questions. So he stayed by my side, silently, and comforted me throughout the night. And maybe he himself needed that comfort just the same as he and Hyukkie still avoided each other more or less… .  
  
The next days went by and everyone among the members felt the heavy atmosphere.  
Siwon and Hankyung tried to find out what was wrong with me as I closed myself up in my room almost all the time we didn’t have to practice our new songs and dances or had to appear on TV or radio.  
Yesung, Kyuhun and Kibum came up to me several times to complain about Kangin being extremely rude, sometimes even getting rough, and getting drunk every night, disturbing their peaceful sleep whenever he came back totally wasted.  
  
I didn’t know what to say or do. They wanted me to talk to him, but how cold I? I was in no position to do that by now… . I asked Heechul to have a talk with him and he just freaked shouting at me that I should make the fuck up with Kangin, whatever fight we were in, cause he wouldn’t act the leader just because of this. And again I felt like I really wasn’t appropriate being leader… .  
  
Almost a week after our abrupt break-up, I found myself in front of the building of Kangins shared dorm.  
I pulled on the beanie I was wearing, still fighting my fear to face my dongsaeng.  
What if he told me to get away?  
He had no reason to listen to me, right? I had been the one to break up.   
And having the other members gossiping about how Minnie and I spent almost every night in the same room wasn’t really of any help… .  
  
But I had to make up with him. Somehow… . Otherwise I was afraid Super Junior would have to break up... . And it would be me leaving the group. Since it was my fault that things got so out of hand.  
  
I let out a deep sigh and cleared my throat, trying to stop my heart from beating so loud so I could concentrate on what to say when I met him.  
  
Just as I was about to press my finger against the doorbell I heard a car stop behind me.  
Surprised, I withdrew my finger again and turned around, blocking my eyes from the hard light of the headlamps as I tried to figure out who it was that got out of the red, small car.  
  
“Aish~ You’re really too much!”, I heard the voice of a woman as the driver’s door opened.  
The silhouette of a girl ran around the car, opening the other door and pulling on the person still sitting inside.  
“Wake up, damnit! I won’t be able to get you out otherwise!!”  
  
I didn’t know why the voice sounded so familiar before I could see the face of the person the woman was pulling from the car. It was Kangin.  
It was the voice of the girl he met behind my back.  
  
I couldn’t move. I stared at the scene, unable to talk or just do anything.  
He still met her… . Maybe even stayed out with her all the last nights.  
What if they had done it? It was late at night after all… . So they must have been together the whole evening and night.  
My mind went wild, making me feel like I’d have to faint any moment… .  
  
“Could you at least pretend to walk yourself, you shitty drunkard?!”  
I could see Kangins heavy figure weighting on her shoulders as she stumbled in my direction.  
I had to get away. I had to get away before she’d see me. Before he would see me.  
I had come to make up. But… it was impossible. I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t do it anymore… .  
  
I pulled the beanie deeper into my face and took off with long steps as I suddenly heard her voice being directed at me.  
“Oi… oi, you over there?”  
I tried to ignore her, increasing the speed of my legs.  
I had to get away.  
“OI!? YOU THERE!!”  
  
I almost started running by now.  
I couldn’t face her. Neither Kangin.  
I wouldn’t know what to do if I did.  
  
“OI!!!”, her voice was annoying. Why didn’t she shut up?  
She’d wake up the whole neighborhood… . Why did she want to talk to a stranger anyway? To get help at handling Kangin?  
  
“OI!! JUNGSU!!”  
  
I froze.  
  
Had she just called my name? How did she know?  
I gulped, slowly turning my head to look over my shoulder at her figure standing in the dark of the night.  
Kangin leaned on the front door to the building and it seemed like he was asleep while she approached me carefully.  
  
“ You’re Jungsu, aren’t you?!”, I heard her asking.  
  
I didn’t reply. My throat was dry and it seemed like no words would come no matter how hard I tried… .


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teukie returns to his dorm after having met the mysterious girl who he saw with Kangin... he talks over things with Sungmin and decides to get a good talk with his (ex-)boyfriend the next day... but the night's turning into chaos as Kangin suddenly shows up...

I entered our dorm, my mind everywhere else just not with me.   
Somehow I felt… empty. And weak.   
  
Everyone else was already in their rooms, most of them probably sleeping. Only from Heechuls voice I could make out some talking voices… . He surely discussed with Hankyung or Siwon again over whatever-stupid-things.   
  
I took off my shoes and silently walked over to my room.   
  
Why did I feel so heavy?   
  
I stared at the darkness in my room. It almost seemed to be alive, waiting for me, pulsating, until I’d enter and lose myself in it forever… .   
I remained in the door frame for quite some while, just staring, then turned around and lurked over to Sungmins room.   
  
I knocked, waiting for the other one inside to answer.   
“What’s up?”, a sleepy Sungmin opened the door and blinked at me. His hair stood up at the back of his head and his lips departed in a silent but long yawn.   
I didn’t answer, but there must have been something about me worrying my dongsaeng as he placed his hand on my shoulder and nodded me to come in.   
  
“Did he sent you away?”, Minnie asked carefully, his arm around my shoulder, as we both sat on the edge of his bed. I hesitated for a second, then slowly shook my head. “Not really…”, I murmured.   
Feeling the others eyes searching for an explanation in my eyes I sighed.   
“I didn’t talk to him…”   
Minnie lifted an eyebrow and looked at me reproachful. “You’ve drawn in your horns even before meeting him?”, he sighed and pressed my shoulder slightly.   
I again shook my head as an answer.   
  
When the silence that laid on both of us turned unendurable I bit down on my lower lip and whispered: “The girl we saw was there….”   
“Wh-what?” I could hear the surprise, maybe even shock, in his voice.   
I nodded. “She drove him home…. In the middle of the night.” I grinded my teeth. “…so I didn’t even talk to him…”   
“So… so you just went home again?”, Sungmin turned me around to face him.   
My head still lowered I stayed silent for a while, then shook my head again.   
  
“She stopped me from going home… and.. she talked to me.”, I began almost inaudible to answer Sungmins anticipating silence. “I didn’t want to talk to her… but… but she knew my name. My real name. And… so I stopped.”   
I swallowed hard, my eyes fixing my slightly trembling hands.   
Sungmin nodded in silence as to signal me that he was listening and understood. Strengthened by his comfort I continued.   
  
“… and she… she said he crashed at her place after drinking for hours. ‘So he was at your place?’ I asked her…”, I felt my eyes hurting with tears threatening to burst out any moment. “’Not my home.’, she said. ‘Where I work.’ She said she works at this bar… and… that he often stops by for a drink or two… and… that he came over the whole last week and got utterly drunk every night… and…and…”   
  
I swallowed hard. I couldn’t start crying. If I started crying now I wouldn’t be able to continue to tell Sungmin what had happened… but I wanted him to know. I felt like I just had to talk to him… or I’d break apart.   
  
“… and that he often talked about me… and… that she’s an old schoolmate of his… and… and…” My voice broke and I was unable to continue. I felt the tears winning my inner struggle and forcing their way down my face.   
Sungmin pulled me in a tight hug, his one hand resting on my back, his fingers gently caressing my skin through the silky fabric of my pajama, the other one on the back of my head, patting my hair.   
  
“It’s ok, Teuki-hyung…. It’s ok….”, he whispered over and over again until I eventually calmed down again… or at least calmed down enough to continue my talk. And so I told him how I sat down with the girl on a bench in a playground right around the corner from Kangins and the others dorm. I told him how she talked about how good she got along with Kangin back in school and that they even dated for a short period, but it didn’t turn out good since he was too flirty… .   
  
I told Sungmin how she had ensured that there was nothing going on between her and Kangin anymore and that the two of them met by accident at her workplace and talked about this and that.   
Between sobs I told him how she had smiled at me, a teethy and extremely cute and bright smile, telling me that she had never seen Kangin as happy as the last month until there was this sudden change about a week before… .   
  
I couldn’t continue talking. I felt so extremely bad… I felt like it was all my mistake. Like I myself brought all this pain and sorrow upon myself.   
I felt like I didn’t deserve to live anymore after not trusting my lover at least this much… . But how could I know all this when he didn’t talk to me at all? How should I know that she was just an old acquaintance of his? How could I be sure about our relationship when he didn’t even tell me he loved me?   
But…. I still should have trusted him. I loved him. I should have trusted him. If not him… who else?   
But I hadn’t believed in him. In his words. In his kindness… . It had be me who ruined everything… all I had, all that made me happy, all I needed to smile purely… I had torn it apart by my own hands… .   
  
I felt like I’d break apart the second Sungmins tiny hands would let go of me… .   
  
“You couldn’t know…”, the smaller one tried to comfort me. “He should have told you… of course you’d misunderstand…. Anyone would’ve…”   
I buried my face in his shoulder, my body still shaking.   
“…you should just try to talk things over… he didn’t cheat at you… and…” His hug turned tighter. “… and it’s clear he really loves you… he surely waits for you… and wants to have you back…”   
  
Sungmins words made me cry even harder. I remembered the words of the girl I had met, how Kangin killed his pain over our break-up with alcohol every night for the last week. I remembered the other members complaining about his roughness and his loud return home at night, waking them up every night.   
I had only seen him on TV… being the professional he is of course he hadn’t shown any sign of sadness there… and I had believed his lie. Even though I should have known better. I was a professional, too, after all… and I was his lover… and even more his best friend, who knew him better than anyone else… .   
  
But maybe I had just wanted to believe what I saw. I wanted to believe he was a bad guy, cheating on me without showing any regret, so I wouldn’t have such a hard time… . Maybe I wanted to get angry at him, putting all the blame at him, not thinking about my own mistakes… .   
  
“You’ll talk to him tomorrow, ne? Promise…” Sungmin lifted my chin and looked me into my swollen eyes and showed me one of his encouraging smiles. “I’m sure everything will be alright…”   
  
I nodded, brushing away the tears. “Promise.”, I murmured, my voice hoarse.   
My dongsaeng pulled me in another hug, holding me tight against his warm, thin body for a few minutes. Then he parted from me and crawled over the bed, sitting down on the right half of the comfortable mattress. “Let’s sleep”, he smiled at me and patted on the empty spot next to him.   
I returned the smile and laid down next to him, soon after feeling his small arms reaching around my torso, spending me comfort until I drifted off to sleep.   
  
  
I woke up by the annoying sound of our door bell, followed by loud voices and stomping feet. My eyes searched for the clock next to Sungmins bed and noticed it was shortly after 4 o clock.   
What the hell was going on? It wasn’t like we had such an early schedule… some of us had none at all, so I didn’t understand the noise coming from the lit up floor.   
  
I felt Sungmin move next to me as he, too, awakened.   
“I’ll go and see what’s going on”, I murmured and winded myself from his hug. “You stay here and continue to sleep.”   
But before I even could finish my sentence the door to Sungmins room flew open and a familiar silhouette showed in the doorframe accompanied by the shrieking of an extremely angry Heechul that was robbed of his beauty-sleep.   
  
“What’s all that noise?”, I asked slightly annoyed while I tried to block my eyes from the suddenly turned on light that blinded me. But even without being able to see clearly I just knew who it was, standing there in front of me.   
“So that’s what it is, huh?”, I heard Kangin roar and my eyes widened as I realized he really was there, standing in our dorm, in Sungmins room.   
What did he do here? Why did he make a ruckus in the middle of the night? Hadn’t he been half dead from alcohol when I had seen him before?   
  
“What are you talking about?”, I asked slightly frightened as my eyes finally got adjusted to the light and I saw the fury in Kangins eyes as he stared down at me, as I was sitting in a sleepy Sungmins arms.   
“You fucking bastard!!”, Kangin suddenly bursted and stumbled into the room, in our direction. He still was clearly drunk. Heavily drunk. I even was about to put out my hands to be able to catch him just in case he might fall over. But as he reached the bed he shoved me away and grabbed Sungmin by his collar ripping him out of the comfortable sheets. And before any of the people watching the scene could react he had already landed his fist down on Sungmins beautiful face.   
  
“STOP IT, KANGIN!”, I screamed accompanied by other voices as suddenly Eunhyuk dashed into the room.   
I didn’t really know what he was doing in our dorm but guessed that he had accompanied drunken Kangin as he had felt something bad might happen… .   
Siwon and Heechul, too, finally found the courage to step into the room, while Hankyung and Shindong stayed in secure distance and watched the scene.   
  
“Please, Kangin, let go of him!”, I pleaded again trying to put my hands on his arm, trying to calm him down. But he brushed me off and lifted his fist again to let it crack down on Sungmins face.   
To everyones surprise it was the much smaller Eunhyukkie who landed his fist on Kangins face before the older one could hit his dear friend again. “Get your fuckin hands off him, you psycho!”, he screamed his voice cracking from anger. With a loud roar Kangin let go of Sungmin and pushed Eunhyuk so hard against his chest that the blonde stumbled backwards and painfully hit the floor.   
  
Everyone was frozen, stared at the scene, unable to react. Even the usually loud Heechul was left speechless.   
As Sungmin came back to his senses and jumped off the bed to hurry over to his beloved one I, too, found back to reality and placed myself between Kangin and my other dongsaengs protectively. The blood rushed through my veins and pulsated in my head, making it almost unbearable to think clearly. What was happening? How had things come to this? I didn’t really know… .   
  
“Stop it, Kangin!”, I screamed again stretching out my arms hoping it would stop the drunkard in front of me. “Stop it!!!”   
But he surged forward, almost knocking me over with the weight of his body. Luckily his legs seemed weakened from the alcohol so I was able to prevent him from passing me by while I screamed over to Sungmin to get everyone out and lock the door.   
Eventhough it didn’t seem like it, this was something between only Kangin and myself. No one else. And I couldn’t allow Kangin to hurt the others any more… . I was the leader after all. And I had to protect them. Even if it was protecting them from our own member. Even if it was protecting them from my beloved one.   
  
Sungmin did as he was told and together with Siwon helped up Eunhyuk and all of the other members disappeared behind a closing door.   
“Please calm down, Kangin!”, I repeated trying to somehow get him to listen. But unavailingly. His breath stank from beer and liquor as he grabbed my wrist painfully drawing me closer. “So you even fuck with him now?”, he growled. “I didn’t touch you so you just replaced me with that stupid little fuck?!”   
  
z   
I was terrified by the infinite anger glowing in his eyes. I begged him to let go of me, to calm down and talk to me, but he didn’t listen.   
“Was it fun? Huh?!” He pushed me and I almost fell over, but was saved by him pulling me close again, his grip still tight around my wrist. “Was it fun making an ass out of me?!”   
  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about….”, I wailed feeling hot tears on my cheeks.   
“Ha”, I heard him letting out a sarcastic snort, “you don’t know, huh? YOU DON’T KNOW?”   
He spun me around and threw me rudely on the bed. Before I could get up and away from his terrifying presence he already knelt over me, pressing me down into the mattress with his heavy body.   
“Was he good? Huh?”   
He scared me.   
“Did he maybe even leave marks? Did he kiss you? Huh? Did he!?”   
He really scared me.   
“ANSWER ME DAMNIT!”, he screamed, almost spitting at me.   
“…No…. no..”, was all I gasped, unable to avert my eyes from his intimidating, dark eyes.   
  
He pinned down both of my arms with only one of his big palms gripping around my wrists, pressing them down into the fabric above my head, while his other hand tore open my pajama, sending buttons flying through the room.   
“Liar!!”, he panted with rage. “You think I don’t recognize your worn out looks after having been had?”   
  
For a second I thought I saw pain in those dark eyes, saw the hurt Kangin behind all this rage and fury… .   
But his angry snort terrified me enough to tremble in fear.   
“So it was all about getting fucked, huh? And I was stupid enough to not touch you out of deference to you!” He let a despising laughter slip.   
  
I felt tears stinging in my eyes again.   
He hadn’t touched me because he cared for me? Why? Hadn’t I told him how much I loved him and how much I had enjoyed sleeping with him?   
Hadn’t I shown him how precious our private time was to me? Hadn’t I always moaned in pleasure whenever he touched me?   
Why …. Why hadn’t he talked to me, when he was so insecure about it… ?   
  
It may sound stupid coming from my mouth, but why hadn’t he reassured himself by talking to me?   
  
“Kangin….”, I tried to talk to him. But he didn’t listen. Not at all.   
“So how did he do it? Huh? Was he gentle?”   
I cried openly now: “Kangin… Please… I didn’t…”   
He interrupted me by biting down hard on my right nipple, almost making me bleed.   
“Or was he rough?”   
I felt his eyes inspecting my body for marks Sungmin might have left. For traces of a sweaty, smutty night… .   
I couldn’t talk anymore… all I could do was cry. Because the rough grip of his hand bruised my wrists. Because his eyes were so full of terrifying anger. Because he seemed so utterly hurt. Because he didn’t listen to me. Because he didn’t believe me. Because he thought I might really sleep with someone else besides him. Because I loved him. Because I loved him… .   
Because I loved him so much… .   
  
“If you just want to be fucked… no problem.”   
My eyes widened as he roughly stripped me off my pajama pants and without a warning or preparation teared open my legs and inserted one of his fingers.   
I let out a silent scream, feeling the intense pain spreading through my whole body.   
My vision blurred completely, salty tears wetting my cheeks and slowly soaking the hair on my temples.   
“Ka- Kangin…”, I gasped in pain. “Please…”   
“That’s what you wanted, wasn’t it!?”, he still groaled, his eyes staring down at me almost scornful.   
  
“Please…. Please calm down, Ka- ….. Youngwoon… please…”   
His grip turned tighter, now leaving visible, dark marks on my skin. For a second I thought he’d snap completely, but then I noticed him clenching his teeth and knew he had finally heard me.   
  
“You… you’re hurting me…”, I sobbed after moments of silence and immobility and immediately felt him loosening his grip.   
  
His eyes widened at the pitiful look of myself under him, my face stained with tears, my wrist blue under his trembling fingers.   
He let go of my arms and quickly pulled out his finger from my back, causing another pained scream from myself. Curling up I started to cry.   
  
How did things end up like this? Weren’t we supposed to make up tomorrow? Hadn’t I promised Sungmin to get everything back in order again not even two hours ago?   
How could’ve things get so out of hand?   
  
“Youngwoon…”, I sobbed and slowly turned around to the silent person standing in front of the bed.   
I could see Kangins whole body tremble, his mouth opened a few times, attempting to speak, but closed again without uttering a word.   
His eyes showed so much guilt, so much self-hatred as he stared down at me in shock.   
When I slowly sat up, ignoring the pain in my waist, he stumbled backwards.   
“I… I didn’t…”, he stuttered, tears now dripping from his dark eyelashes. “I’m sorry… I… I’m sorry…!”   
  
“Youngwoon…”, I tried to calm him down by reaching out my hands to him, but he backed off panicking.   
“Don’t!!”, he shrieked, furiously shaking his head. “I… I can’t… I’ll hurt you… I’ll… I can’t, Jungsu…”   
  
I couldn’t bear seeing him cry. I couldn’t bear seeing the pain showing on his face, the scattering weakness. I couldn’t bear him away from me a second more when I knew how much sorrow it brought upon us both.   
  
Knowing my words alone wouldn’t calm him down in the situation we were in I slowly got up, ignoring the pain in my body when I moved.   
I slowly approached him, my still stinging eyes never averted from his trembling figure.   
He backed away, avoided my eyes, but when his back touched the wall behind him I was finally able to put my hand gently on his chest.   
I let it rest there for a while, right above his heart, then put my other hand on his cheek. He twitched, his eyes still shedding tears.   
  
“Youngwoon… I…. I’m sorry…”, I whispered almost inaudible. It was all my fault. I had misunderstood. I had hurt us both, almost crashing everything I had. Even risking the happiness of the whole group. “I’m so sorry.. I… You haven’t touched me.. and… and then I saw you with that girl… and …”   
I felt the tears running over my face again, making me the same miserable, trembling person as my lover in front of me. I cupped his face with my hand, trying to make sure I filtered down to him.   
  
“…why haven’t you told me about her? I… I couldn’t know… and I.. I felt so insecure… you never told me your feelings and… and then there was you and… and that girl… and…”   
I suddenly was pulled into a hug that almost crushed my ribs.   
“I… I love you… I love you so much…”, I heard him whisper over and over again, his voice cracking, his tears wetting my torn pajama. “I love you, Jungsu… I love you..! I love you! I love you!”   
  
I closed my eyes, slinging my arms around him, returning the hug just as strong while I silently started crying again. “I love you, too, Youngwoon…”   
I carefully placed a small kiss on his collar bone, letting my head rest on his chest afterwards.   
  
We stayed like this for a long time, holding each other tightly to our own body, whispering confessions of love, waiting for our tears to dry up. I listened to his heartbeat calming down, his breath turning steady after his silent sobs had faded away.   
My eyes closed I felt like the two of us meld to one being, with only one heart beating in calm unison… .   
  
I felt him move, his lips gently pressing against my forehead. Then on my closed eyelids. Then on the bridge of my nose as I slowly opened my eyes and looked at him.   
It clearly showed that he had cried. His eyelashes stuck together from the tears, his eyes were still red and swollen like his nose and he got the red marks over his upper lip he always got when he cried.   
  
I felt like I fell in love all over again. With this messed up, swollen, sticky face. With his dark eyes resting on me, still showing the sorrow of the past days in them.   
I loved him… I simply loved him with every fiber of my body. With all I had… .   
And I could feel that he was the same. And if he had read my thoughts he whispered another “I love you…” against my skin, making me shiver.   
  
I tilted my head kissing him shyly. I almost felt like a high school boy on a first date feeling all those butterflies in my stomach making me go dizzy.   
He returned the kiss just as shy and I felt his finger tremble on my back.   
  
Sharing timid but sweet kisses, he lifted me up in his strong arms and carefully carried me over to the bed, where he put me down cautiously.   
He took my hands and gently traced my thin, long fingers with his before bringing his lips down on the marks around my wrists, covering them with small butterfly-kisses.   
“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…”, he mumbled biting down on his lower lip. I shook my head and sent him a smile while I snuggled into his side.   
  
He continued kissing my wrists and then let his lips glide down my arms to my shoulders and my neck, placing kisses here and there.   
I closed my eyes and held my breath for a second when he sucked on my sensitive spot behind my ear. He knew my body. He knew exactly what made me drown in this wonderful feeling of pleasure.   
Burying my hands in his hair I whispered words of passion into his ear and felt him slightly shiver as my breath caressed his skin.   
  
I felt Kangins warm palm running down my chest to my waist, evoking moans from me as I felt myself growing hard. “Youngwoon…”, I groaned as his head disappeared from my sight as he kissed his way down to my hip.   
“You still hurt here?”, he asked while stroking his fingers over my entrance with caution as not to make me hurt more.   
I let my fingers stroke along his jaw bone and shook my head. “Not if you’re careful…”   
  
He smiled at my invitation and placed a kiss on the inside of my tights, sending shivers down my spine again. I placed my right arm over my mouth trying to deaden the moans that ran from my mouth when I felt his lips on my pulsating length. He kissed me, teased me while he took his time gently preparing me.   
  
I forgot everything… there was only Kangin and myself. His breath dancing on my body, his lips caressing me, making me ark my back in pleasure. I forgot about the others being only a few thin walls away from us. I forgot about how it wasn’t my room, not my bed we were making love in. I forgot about what might happen when the others hear us, what management would do if they ever found out.   
I forgot… or I simple didn’t care anymore.   
All that mattered was Kangin. Right there in my arms. Pressing in me. Kissing me. Telling me sweet confessions over and over again.   
All that mattered was that he loved me. And I loved him.   
Everything else was of no importance.   
  
“Oh fuck!” My eyes widened and I arched my back when I suddenly felt my body shiver with a feeling I just couldn’t describe. A loud moan left my throat and my fingernails dig deeper into the skin on my lovers back.   
Kangin hit the same spot again that made me drown in trembling passion.   
He smiled, thrusting deeper into me while leaning down to cover my mouth, swallowing my moans with a fervent kiss.   
I moved my hips, trying to match the rhythm of Kangins thrusts, trying to make him delve deeper, trying to feel him more.   
  
When I felt the heat in my stomach increase and a wave of climax crashing above me I threw back my head and cried out Kangins name in a hoarse, choking voice while hot spurts of passion landed on my belly.   
Almost simultaneously Kangins fingers gripped tighter around my hip and an animalistic grunt slipped from his lips as he released his hot cum in me, his eyes screwed up.   
  
Still panting, gasping for breath I slung my arms around his glistening neck and smiled at him happily. “That was….wow…”, was all I managed to bring forth. He pushed his moisten lips on mine, then crashed upon me.   
“I love you, Jungsu… I love you.”, he whispered planting a last kiss on my shoulder before he was already drifting off to sleep.   
I also was too exhausted to keep my eyes open. While already feeling the sleepiness taking me over I searched for the blanket and pulled it scantily over our sweaty bodies.   
  
  
I was woken up by the warm rays of the sun shining through the window, tickling my nose. I opened my eyes and turned my head to the heat source next to me. A smile curled up the corner of my lips when I saw the peaceful face of my beloved one.   
I lifted my hand and let my fingers run over his cheek.   
  
“OH NO!”, I huffed, waking up Kangin as I jumped out of the bed.   
“Wh-what… what happened?”, Kangin blinked into the brightness of day, his lips departing in a yawn.   
I stared at him, gulping. “We…”, I stuttered. “We did it in Sungmins bed!”   
The sudden realization made me break out in guilty sweat.   
How could I have forgotten about this being Sungmins room? It was bad enough to have sex in the dorm…. But… in another members room?   
And maybe the others had heard us? I mean… we hadn’t been too quiet.. especially myself. I had drowned in pleasure, moaning, panting, gasping, groaning, … . So the possibility was pretty high… .   
How could I’ve forgotten… ?   
  
But when I saw sleepy Kangin in bed before me, sending me one of his sparkling, charming smiles while holding out his hand to me, I had the answer to why I had been able to forget all this… .   
“Let’s sleep some more…”, he mumbled patting the empty space next to him. I smiled and sat back down on the bed.   
  
“We can’t sleep… I have schedule today…”, I told him before leaning down to give him a small peck on his cheek.   
“Get up!”, I poked him. He reluctantly sat up, wiping the sleep from his sleepy eyes. “Yes, yes~”   
  
When the two of us left Sungmins room and entered the kitchen I was too nervous to look into the others eyes. Heechul just made himself some coffee, while Siwon and Hankyung nibbled on some toast. Sungmin sat on a chair, a cup of hot chocolate in his hands while Hyukkie placed a pack of ice on his friends bruised cheek.   
  
When Eunhyuk spotted Kangin he positioned himself in front of Sungmin and glared at the older one. “What do you want?”, he spit out. “If you plan on hit him again I warn you… I… I…” The fear showed in his face when Kangin came closer. “I’ll kick your ass, Kangin! I promise!” His voice cracked and he held his breath.   
Silence laid down in the kitchen when Kangin came to stop only a mere meter from the spiky-haired.   
And even my jaw fell as Kangin bowed down – yes bowed! – and muttered an apology.   
  
Sungmin, coming back to life after the shock of witnessing such an obeisant raccoon, smiled and took Hyukkies hand, squeezing it slightly while pushing him aside. “It’s ok, Kanginnie…”, he said looking at the guilty face of his hyung. “I understand. And I accept your apology.”   
Then he glanced at me and a weird smile crossed his face. Only for a second. But I knew that he had heard us and felt my cheeks blush deeply.   
  
  
The following days Heechul let ambiguous comments slip – even more often than usual. And he started to grin at me in a frightening silence now and then, giving me the creeps. Hankyung just smiled silently at me, patting my shoulder, as to let me know that our secret was save with him – which caused me to blush again.   
Siwon kept his distance for quite a while and seemed unable to look me straight in the eye. He was Christian after all… and I was about to despair because I felt like he felt disgusted with me when he came up to me after a performance weeks after the chaotic night at the dorm and placed his hand on my shoulder.   
“You’re happy, right?”, he asked me, his eyes deeply investigating my eyes. I nodded without hesitating and returned his look a little shy.   
He smiled, causing me to get all teary… .   
  
It took some more time for Hyukkie to forgive Kangin and he often complained to me and scolded me how I was way too soft to such a brutal guy, but I had a feeling like neither Hyukkie nor Sungmin regretted what had happened that night since it seemed like it was Kangins outburst that cleared some things for them, too… .   
  
On the next free weekend the two of us spent alone again I presented him with my present. We sat in an karaoke-box, joking around, sharing kisses now and then while I had the feeling he attempted to get me drunk by ordering drink after drink.   
Without any words I took the necklace from my pocket and put it around his neck. His eyes widened in happy surprise and I just smiled at him, being pulled into a close hug shortly after.   
  
The first time I heard about the girl again was my birthday.   
The party the other members had thrown after Hyukkie and I had finished kiss the radio had already ended and Kangin stayed over in my room.   
He gave me a sweet kiss and turned around, getting something from his pocket.   
With a loud “tatatataaaa~”, he presented me a small box, covered with royal blue velvet. “Happy birthday, my love…”, he beamed with joy.   
I looked at him with sparkle in my eyes. “For me?”, I asked and showed him my dimple-smile. He nodded and opened the box for me, revealing a small, shiny silver ring with angel wings engraved.   
On the inside I could read our initials and the date we shared our first mutual kiss.   
“You’re crazy…”, I mumbled under hot tears, still smiling all over my face. “You know we’re not allowed to wear one and the same ring… what’s the point in giving me a ring I can’t wear on my finger constantly?” I snuffled, leaning forward to kiss him.   
  
“You can.”, he smirked, gave me a kiss and brushed away my tears. Then he took the ring from the box. “You can wear it all the time…”   
I looked at him questioningly, while he lifted my foot and planted a kiss on my toes. “It’s for right here.”, he smiled up to me and put the ring on my toe. “No problem, right?”   
I laughed. He really had thought about everything, hadn’t he?   
He stood up and sat down next to me, taking my hand. “I was unsure about the whole ring-thing… so I had Soo help me decide… I… I guess that’s when you saw me with her…”, he looked at me old guilt showing in his eyes.   
“I should’ve told you about her, especially since she made me go shopping with her sometimes afterwards …”, he sighed. “But I wanted it to be a birthday surprise… so I…. kept quiet…” He lowered his head, glancing sideways to see whether I was still angry because of this.   
  
I smiled, squeezing his hand a little.   
As an answer I just gave him a kiss, slinging my arms around his neck and crawling on his lap. “You can make up for old mistakes in creative ways…”   
He grinned from ear to ear nodding and then leaned forward to plant a kiss on my collar bone… .   
  
  
I knew that there were lots of bad times ahead. Misunderstandings. Distrust. Fights… .   
But I also knew that we were able to cope with that.   
Cause we loved each other.   
And above all that we weren’t just normal lovers…. But Super Junior-members. Family.   
Best friends.   
  
And we both knew that we just couldn’t do without each other anymore… .

-END-  



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